


The Maddie Kirkland Diaries

by dormroomblogger



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Annoying Parents, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, LBD AU, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-07 06:05:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13428390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dormroomblogger/pseuds/dormroomblogger
Summary: Lizzie Bennet Diaries AU Maddie Kirkland is tired of her mother constantly shoving every man she happens to cross paths with into her or her sister's lives. She decides to document her mother's antics with her best friend Ling...for the entire world to see. The consequences of what she does will be bigger than she could have possibly imagined.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a project takes off after a stranger moves into town.

Introduction Arc

Chapter 1 April 7-April 13  
Saturday April 7, 2012: Private Diary Entry 1

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”

 

My mom gave me that quote on a T-shirt.

That’s really where I got the idea. Well, that and the previous four years of undergrad and two years of grad school, studying Mass Communications with a focus on New Media. Now, almost in my last year of graduate school, in between trying to figure out how I am going to turn my forthcoming degree into a profession and manage to have a life while paying off my mountain of student loans, my mother gave me a T-shirt which, to her mind, will solve all my (read: her) worries.

Worse yet, she tried to make me wear it. To school.

Curious how my mother would make a 24-year old who has been dressing herself for technically decades wear a certain article of clothing? Then you don’t know my mother. Or her underhanded nature. I’d managed to keep the shirt buried in a drawer since Christmas, but then there was a hostile laundry takeover. That’s all I’ll say.

Luckily, I managed to avoid this sartorial horror by keeping my gym bag in my study cubicle, letting me change from my offensive yet clean shirt into an inoffensive yet smelly oversized tee. It was really a rock/hard place situation.

The only person who saw me in the offending T-shirt with this random quote (by the way, I hope they were being sarcastic) was my cubicle mate and fellow grad student Ling Wang.

“Hostile laundry takeover?” she asked knowingly.

Did I mention that we are also best friends?

I didn’t think anything of the shirt until later in the day, when Ling and I were leading the Communications 101 discussion group. Somehow the conversation turned from cross platform promotion on social media platforms and their relative efficacy to how to reach different generations via mass communications.

As discussion continued, Ling said the following:

“Well, the difficulty with reaching different generations via any platform has always been within the message itself.”

“Err…care to elaborate?” I said, hoping she had something up her sleeve to steer the discussion back to the curriculum.

“Well, take that T-shirt your mom gave you, for example.” I was very glad at this point that I was not wearing the shirt, as it would have invited thirty 18-year-old freshmen to stare at my boobs.

After paraphrasing it’s message to the class, she continued. “Your mother-and consequentially, many of her generation-have an entirely different mindset about what your future should be. And therefore communication with them is hindered by more than just the platform –it’s the message itself."

In other words, my plan for my future happiness involves a lot of hard work and ingenuity; Mom’s plan for my future happiness includes my marrying a rich guy. And apparently, every rich single guy out there is just dying to take on the job.

Later, I was talking to Dr. Maes, and I mentioned the T-shirt to her and what Ling had said in class. Dr. Maes laughed, and thought it was a deep well of conflict.

Yes, a ‘deep well of conflict’ is an excellent way to describe interactions with my mother.

“Perhaps exploring whether disparate messages and platforms can coexist, in the same way disparate people exist in the same house, should be part of your end-of-term project,” Dr. Maes mused.

Ah yes. The dreaded end-of-term project for Dr. Maes’ Hyper-Mediation in New Media class. It was meant to be a large multimedia project, and I’d been having trouble coming up with an idea. On top of that, Dr. Maes was also my faculty advisor -meaning she’d been prodding me for weeks to also define what my thesis would be, and what I’d spend all of next year on.  
One overwhelmingly large project at a time, I’d begged her. And I went home to ponder the possibilities of the shorter but sooner end-of-term project.

While at home, I listened to my mother harass my long-suffering father because someone bought the big house in Vecchio (a new McMansion community, with the biggest house on the hill taking the name of the whole development as its own) and that someone is supposedly male, rich, and single.

And my mom has called dibs.

Not for herself, of course, but for me or for my sisters, Alicia and Michelle. Any one of use would do; she’s not particular. Really, depending on his net worth, she’d probably be willing to do a two-for-one type deal. Or three.

That made my mind up. The fact that my mother had so little concept as to who her daughters were and what society we currently live in that she was ready to doll us up and trot us out like debutantes at our first ball for a stranger just because he was rich… The fact that she was so desperate to meet this stranger that she was nagging my father -on those occasions he’s home from the office earlier than dark-to go pay a call on the new neighbours like he’s the local welcoming committee…The fact that she has absolutely no clue what it is I do or what I’m studying, just telling people that I “like to talk…maybe she will end up on morning television!”…

Well…perhaps there is a way to show the world the disparate ‘messages’ I’ve been forced to listen to for far too long. And use a new media platform to do it.

So, that’s what I decided to do for Dr. Maes’ class. I will attempt to explain my mother and my life to the world at large Via New Media.

After some discussion with Ling, I’ve come up with a few rules and stylistic choices that I think will work.

It seems obvious, but I’ve decided to do a video blog. Me talking to a camera. It’s straightforward. I don’t feel like I will be capable of capturing the moments of veracity necessary for a documentary, given that I have no money to pay a crew and I have to spend half my time in class, anyway. I’m a fan of the various YouTuber’s who do videos of this style, so it can’t be too hard, right?

Of course, consistency is key. We decided to post videos on YouTube twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays, without exception. Even when I have nothing to talk about, these videos will go up. Part of the project is mining that ‘deep well’ and becoming a consistent content creator.

“But what will I talk about?” I asked Ling, as we broke down the idea.

“You’ve never been short on things to say,” Ling reminded me.

“But just me on camera for five minutes?” I said. “Nothing happening? I could recount things that happened, but that’s boring, too.”

“Well, make it not boring,” Ling said. “When you’re recounting events-re-enact them. With costumes.”

“Costumes?” I asked. Dr. Maes had been going over this theory in her class this past week. “You mean, dress up like my mom and dad talking about the rich single guy who moved into Vecchio?”

“Why not?”

Why not indeed? So -I’ve stolen Dad’s sweater vest and an old sun hat of Mom’s, and I’m brushing off my French accent to impersonate my mother. Any pertinent interactions that have occurred previous to my filming will be re-enacted in this way with what I’m calling Costume Theatre.

I’ll try to present interactions as fairly as possible, but I know I will also be presenting them from my point of view. However, I will not allow the colouring that comes from my perspective to affect the veracity of the content.

In other words, I’m not making this stuff up. Everything I put online will have actually happened. We’re here to tell the truth, after all.

Obviously, I’ll also need to present documentations for the project. A record of my impressions of the act of making a long-form vlog and how the platform services the message. And a venting of my occasional frustration. I guess the fact that I’ve been keeping a diary my entire life will finally result in more than carpal tunnel syndrome!

That’s really it. I’m sure I’ll have more rules as I go along, but for now, it’s time to see if I can make a video. The school has loaned me a camera, I have digital storage chips lined up on my desk, and Ling has been roped into- err, I mean, volunteered to assist me with filming and editing.

So, here we go- let’s make a vlog!

Uploaded Monday April 9, 2012  
Episode 1: My Name is Maddie Kirkland

Maddie had spent more time than she cared to admit on her makeup and bedroom, making sure everything looked perfect and even more time on what she was going to say. Ling was adamant on not having a script, as she assured Maddie that the audience would want something more authentic than her just reading lines from a piece of paper. The camera was set up and ready to go with Ling standing behind it next to Maddie’s bedroom desk.

“Ready?” asked Ling.

Maddie took a deep breath, “ready.”

The camera was turned on, the video began recording, and Maddie started off by holding up the shirt that had inspired it all.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune…” Maddie turned the shirt to show the back, “…must be in want of a wife,” she said to the camera. “My mom gave each of us one of these last Christmas. I have yet to wear it…ever.

“Who am I? I’m a 24-year-old grad-student with a mountain of student loans living at home and preparing for her career. But to my mom, the only thing that matters is that I’m single.

 

"My name is Maddie Kirkland, and this is my life.”

 

“So my mom belongs to a class of parents that I like to call the 2.5 WPF Club. What’s the 2.5 WPF Club you might ask? It stands for ‘Home with 2.5 kids and a White Picket Fence. Which I know actually sounds pretty nice, but it’s really annoying when it’s all your Mom talks about 24/7. Not only is my Mom a member of the 2.5 WPF Club, she’s probably the President. How do I know? Ladies and gentlemen, I present again,” Maddie held up the offending shirt once more, “Exhibit A!”

She looked at the shirt sceptically and said, “’universal truth,’ really? I’m sure there are a great number of rich, young, single men who aren’t looking for wives. In fact, let’s examine the percentages:

• 22% Sleazeballs and Scumbags  
• 26% Incapable of escaping current dead-end relationships  
• 18% Sailing around the world trying to ‘find themselves’  
• 32% Focusing on work or skills or…hobbies or whatever rich guys do when they’re young.

“But no. According to my Mother, every rich, single guy is put on this earth to impregnate her daughters! To illustrate my point, I need a little help.”

Here Maddie grinned at Ling, who suddenly looked caught off guard. Before Ling could do anything more than say, “what’re you doing?” Maddie lunged and dragged her onto the bench in front of the camera.

“Sit here,” Maddie said before turning back to the camera. “This is my friend Ling, and she’s going to help me with this demo.”

“No, I’m not!” Ling stated, turning red.

Maddie paid her no mind and instead forced a slightly too big sweater vest over her head ignoring the indignant, “where did this come from?”

“Here,” Maddie finished by putting a bowler hat on Ling’s head and handing her a pipe. She then shoved a paper at the bewildered Ling, “Okay your lines…” Maddie went to put on fake pearls, the floppy sunhat and colourful shawl while Ling frowned at the paper. “Who wrote this?” she asked.

“Shakespeare,” Maddie replied drily.

Maddie sat back down and put on her best fake smile. She was now in character and nothing would break her out of it. “Did you ‘ear zee ‘ouse in Vecchio sold zee other day?” she said in an overly dramatic French accent.

With the pipe in her mouth, Ling stared down at the lines and said in a terrible impression of her Father’s British accent, “Did it now?”

“Zee large mansion with zee white picket fence and plenty of space to raise 2.5 grand-kids!”

“Mmhmm,” replied Ling!Arthur.

Maddie!Francine continued, “Chun-Yan Wang told me. She said zee deal was for 3 million dollars. But eet’s not zee price zat matters, but who bought it.”

“As you say, my dear.”

“’E’s a well mannered young man from Harvard, working to become a doctor! I ‘ear his family ‘as quite zee fortune. ‘Ow perfect for our girls!”

“How so?”

“Well mon cher bijou, can’t you imagine him with one of our daughters?”

“I find that rather difficult, since I have yet to meet this young man,” Ling!Arthur said slowly.

“Zen you must go meet him at once! Welcome him to the neighbour’ood. I will bake a pie. Let him know about our three eligible young daughters who are in desperate need of a rich, single man.”

Maddie!Francine gave another winning fake smile at Ling!Arthur, who stared at the end of the script for another second before scrambling back behind the camera. She muttered under her breath about how she hated being on film.

Once the costume was off, Maddie continued in her normal voice, “Look, I’m all for rich, single guys, but who’s my Mom to tell us who to marry? What if he’s gay? What if he’s a serial killer? What if he’s a gay serial killer? I’ve got other things to worry about! It’s not like we’re going to put our lives on hold because some rich, single guy dropped from the sky.”

Before Maddie could say anything else, the door to her room burst open. In bounced Maddie’s younger sister. Blue eyes sparkling, Alicia was gabbing a mile a minute. “Maddie! Did Mom tell you about who just bought that mansion in Vecchio?”

Maddie gave a deadpan glance at Ling and the camera, “Haven’t heard a word about it.”

Alicia seized the seat beside her, “So this-“ she stopped abruptly as she finally noticed they were filming. “What are you- What’re you guys doing?”

“Making a video,” Maddie said before once more addressing her invisible audience, “Everyone, this is my sister, Alicia.”

Alicia’s hands immediately jumped to run her hands through her already perfect blonde hair. “Anyway,” she continued, now smiling coyly at the camera, “so this guy…his name is Feliciano Vargas and he it rich, hot aaaaaannnd…”

“Let me guess, single?”

“JACKPOT, RIGHT! Whaaaaaat?” Alicia held up her hand for a high-five.

Maddie shook her head slightly, “No.”

Undeterred, Alicia turned to Ling, “Whaaaaaat?”

Ling stretched out her hand in front of camera to awkwardly meet Alicia’s high-five. Alicia let out a small “yesssss,” as Maddie made a cut motion and Ling turned off the camera.

 

Monday April 9 2012  
A Twitter Exchange Between Feliciano Vargas, Caterina Vargas, and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

hey, @romanitup @bschmidt you’ll never guess what I just did.

1:01pm-Apr 9, 2012  
1 retweet, 6 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta you’re right. I won’t.

1:05pm- Apr 9, 2012  
1 like

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta what did you do now? I shudder.

1:08pm- Apr 9, 2012  
5 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup @bschmidt you know how I was threatening to buy a place while I was out here?

1:12pm- Apr 9, 2012  
2 retweets, 6 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta you didn’t.

1:13pm- Apr 9, 2012  
4 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt I did!!!

1:13pm- Apr 9, 2012  
1 retweet, 1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta omg where?

1:14pm- Apr 9, 2012  
1 like

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup a place called Vecchio

1:14pm- Apr 9, 2012  
5 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta you can’t be serious

1:15pm- Apr 9, 2012  
2 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta I should hold on to your wallet for you.

1:16pm- Apr 9, 2012  
3 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup @bschmidt You guys are going to LOVE it!

1:17pm- Apr 9, 2012  
1 like

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta @romanitup Not likely.

1:21pm- Apr 9, 2012  
4 likes

Monday April 9, 2012: Private Diary Entry 2

“What do you think?” I asked Ling, as I leaned over her shoulder watching the playback on her computer.

Even though this is my project for Dr. Maes’ class, I am making use of my best friend. Specifically, her editing software and her talent with it. (There’s a reason that she’s the go-to aide for all the underclassmen in the edit bays at school. She knows her stuff.)

“I think it’s good,” she answered. “For the thousandth time. So, let’s do this.”

Her finger hovered over the ‘upload’ button.

“Wait!” I blurted out. “I still think I’m wearing too much makeup. And what about-“

Ling gave me the side eye. “Do you want to reshoot the whole thing?”

“God, no.” Filming the first video-which clocked in at three minutes, twenty seconds-was so much harder than I’d anticipated. Figuring out what to say, writing the intro, scrounging for costumes, writing the bit where I dressed up at my Mom and strong-armed Ling into playing Dad…add that to the four hundred times I tripped over my own tongue and we had to reshoot something I said, and a three-minute video took about five hours to make.

“So we’ll pull back on the makeup on the next one,” Ling turned an impatient glare on me. “But right now, it’s Monday morning, the day you told Dr. Maes you were going to upload your first video, and we have class in thirty minutes. I’m pressing this button.”

“But-“

“Maddie, part of having a vlog is actually putting it out there.”

I know. I mean I know communication is an exchange, and for it to actually occur there has to be a beginning. But Ling was about to put my entire life-my room, my parents, my sisters, my bad makeup-on display. With the click of a mouse. It was a little nerve-wracking.

But Ling was, as usual, right. We couldn’t just hang out in my room all day, tweaking. Sometimes, you have to actually put it out there. So I took a deep breath and gave Ling a quick nod. And a few seconds later, my video was online.

“So, you ready to go?” Ling said, closing up her computer.

And that was it.

It’s very strange. I knew that there wouldn’t be comments yet, but all I wanted to do was stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen on the Internet. I don’t have really high expectations. I’d be shocked if anyone outside of my graduate studies program watched it. But when you put your life up for public consumption, you can’t help but worry over the response.  
However, the best thing I could do in that moment was go to class and be forced to be offline and not thinking about it for a couple of hours. So I started to pack up my bag.

“OMG YOU ACTUALLY DID IT THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!”

Exactly three minutes and twenty seconds after posting, my little sister Alicia ran from her room across the hall and burst through my door, tackling me. (And yes, this dialogue is verbatim. I forget nothing.)

“I love it so much- especially the part with me in it- it’s going to be so awesome!”

“You said that already.” I groaned under her weight. “What’s going to be so awesome?”

“Your video blog- duh! Seriously, it might actually make you a fraction less lame. Especially if you keep having me in them.”

“Alicia-how did you know it had posted?”

“Because, duh, I have an alert set on my phone for when you post something.” Alicia looked at us both as if we were stupid. Which, in this instance, I suppose we kind of were.

Of course Alicia would be the first person to find out about them (other than Ling), by barging into my room while I was shooting to tell us that the elusive stranger who bought the house in Vecchio is young and single and named Feliciano Vargas. Which I could care less about, but Alicia shoved herself into my project and onto camera.

That’s really the perfect encapsulation of Alicia. She’s a photogenic, hyperactive steamroller. And as the baby of the family, she always gets her way.

“Mom is going to fuh-reak when she finds out. Also, you should totes lay off the makeup counter, sis-or at least leave it to people who have been outside of a library and know what looks good on, like, humans.”

“Uh, about Mom,” I said, trying to get my sister’s attention away from her phone, where she was I can only assume emailing or texting or tweeting someone about my slight overuse of the lip liner. “I would rather not tell them. Mom and Dad, I mean.”

“Oh, really?” Alicia got this look on her face, one I know all too well. “What’s in it for me?”

“Alicia, we have to get going if you want me to drop you off a school before I go to work…Oh hi, Ling, it’s so good to see you!”

And now my older sister, Michelle, entered. Really, my tiny bedroom was too small for this many people.

“Hi, Michelle,” Ling replied. “How’s it going?”

“Good!” Michelle smiled brightly. “I love Mondays, don’t you? You get to see everyone back at the office and share what you did that weekend. How was your weekend?”

“Well,” Ling said, “I was here, helping Maddie…”

There was not a kinder, more solicitous soul than my sister, Michelle. She knows very well what Ling was doing this weekend. She spent most of it in this very room. But Michelle was still going to be polite and genuinely interested in what Ling would say.

I figure her extreme niceness evolved naturally over the past twenty-six years as a defense mechanism for her beauty. You may want to hate Michelle because she’s so pretty, with long brown hair, naturally perfect toned skin, and wide-doe eyes, but it’s really hard when she’s baked you cookies and made you tea.

Case in point: When I was in junior high, I decided to despise Michelle for being a beautiful, sophisticated high-schooler and Alicia for being happy, carefree, and generally getting whatever she wanted. (What can I say? I was going through an awkward phase-as one does-and I was very tired of being the middle child.) My annoyance with Michelle lasted all of about six hours, ending when we got home from school and taught me how to side-braid my hair.

My annoyance with Alicia was ongoing.

“That’s right, you were doing the video!” Michelle said. “Alicia showed it to me. Maddie, it’s fantastic, very funny.”

“Really?” I said. “You think I looked okay? My makeup?”

Michelle blinked at me twice. “Hmm.” Well, that answered that question. “You know you should wear that maroon blouse next time-it really makes your skin glow.”

Michelle works for a design house in what passes for out little downtown. They do a lot of different aspects of styling-interiors, furnishings, etc. -but Michelle works for their fashion department. She is the only person I know who can take a thrift shop housedress and turn it into something that could conceivably be worn to an awards show. So if there is anyone’s fashion opinion I trust, it’s hers. But…

“I would, but there’s something wrong with the buttons-there’s gappage.”

“Oh, I can fix that.” Michelle waved away any arguments. She went into my drawer and found the blouse. As she did, she turned to Alicia.

“You ready? I should be able to get you to Art History class if I speed.”

Michelle does not speed.

“Ugh, Art History is so lame-the lecturer just drones and laser-points at the peen on old statues. Total perv.”

“I was just telling Alicia,” I interrupted, bringing us back to something a bit more pertinent than genitalia on old statues, “that I don’t think it would be a good idea if we were to tell Mom and Dad about my videos. The project is about portraying my home life through new media, and I can’t really do that if… Besides, it’s only going to last a few weeks anyway.” I can feel my teeth grate at the glint in Alicia’s eye. “Please?”

“And again I ask,” Alicia smirked, “what’s in it for me?”

This forced me to pull out the big-sister guns.

“Oh, I don’t know.” I mused. “Maybe I’ll refrain from telling Dad about the box of fake IDs under your bed.”

We stared down. Alicia is only twenty. This fact is not well known to the local bartender community.

“Fine,” she relented. “Mom and Dad would spoil the fun anyway.”

“Great!” Ling said brightly. “Now can we go to school and/or work?”

As we shuffled out of my room, Michelle spoke low to me, “Maddie, are you sure about Mom and Dad? If they find out…”

“Please,” I said, with an approving glance at Ling. “Do you know how many hours of video get uploaded to YouTube every minute? Nobody is ever going to watch these.”

“Ha!” Alicia laughed. “Don’t be so sure, nerdy older sister. I’m in you video, and I’m destined for fame.”

 

Wednesday April 11, 2012  
A Twitter Exchange Between Feliciano Vargas, Caterina Vargas, and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt so, you might have been right. I shouldn’t have stayed in a house with no furniture

4:34pm- Apr 11, 2012  
1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta cue @bschmidt saying ‘I told you so’ in 3…2…1…

4:35pm- Apr 11, 2012  
1 like

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta I told you so. CC: @romanitup

4:36pm- Apr 11, 2012  
3 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup @bschmidt going furniture shopping shortly

4:37pm- Apr 11, 2012

Carterina Vargas  
@romanitiup

@felilovespasta PLEASE don’t buy anything without sending me pics first

4:37pm- Apr 11, 2012

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta Listen to your sister. You have horrible taste in decorating.

4:38pm- Apr 11, 2012  
1 retweet, 7 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt @romanitup haha. you guys are going to change your minds when you see this place

4:40pm- Apr 11, 2012

Uploaded Thursday April 12, 2012  
Episode 2: My Sisters- Problematic to Practically Perfect

 

Maddie was back in her seat, Ling behind the camera once more. The camera light flicked on. “And you’re on,” said Ling.

“So a few days ago I told you about my Mom. And because it’s only fair, I’m going to give you the scoop on the rest of my family.” Maddie launched right into it, more confident this time around as she knew what to expect.

“Sounds crazy interesting, I know. But this way in a month (or more like a week) when I’m all 'ahh Alicia’s being a stupid whore-y slut again!' And all you lovely viewers are like 'umm, who’s Alicia?' I can be all 'hey just watch the second video I posted.'

“Bam! Confusion over. Well, not yet. I probably just confused you more. But we will get there.

 

“My name is Maddie Kirkland, and these are my sisters.”

 

“So I’m Maddie-or Madeline if you’re my mother and I did something to piss you off. I like rain, classic novels, and any movie starring Ryan Gosling. I’m in grad school studying Mass Communications. So, I read a lot, I write a lot, and especially at this moment-talk a lot.” Maddie gave a nervous laugh; somehow it was easier to talk about her parents than herself.

“That’s me. But wait,” she held up one finger, “I’m not the only daughter in this house. I am, in fact, one of three sisters, and I’m smack dab in the middle. That’s right- I’m the dreaded middle child. Doomed to a life of drug addiction, irresolute drinking, and out of wedlock pregnancy!” With each new bad life choice, Maddie’s voice became higher and more hysterical.

“But that thorny path is perhaps better suited to my youngest sister-who you’ve already met.” Maddie couldn’t help but frown as she remembered how her sister had bullied her way into the last video. Maddie had a sinking feeling that would be happening a lot. “Alicia. We’re all very proud she’s now too old to be on any reality shows about having babies in high school. Seriously, she’s like a puppy. A cute, adorable, humps the neighbour’s leg; never know where she sleeps puppy. Yeah, she chews your slippers and marks her territory all over town, but you still love her.” Most of the time, Maddie thought, okay some of the time.

“And then there’s the eldest sister, Michelle. Practically perfect in every way!”

“Hey, did you say my name?” Right on cue, Michelle appeared leaning into the doorway, startling Maddie.

“(Including practically perfect hearing.)” She said aside to the camera. “No, we’re shooting a video.”

“Oh, oh I’m sorry.” Michelle was about to duck out, before Maddie made the snap decision.

“No, wait! C’mere.” If Alicia was going to force her way into Maddie’s videos, then Michelle would be in them too. It’s not like Maddie could invite anyone else to sit in-certainly not Mom and Dad. And the videos would get boring with just Maddie in them.

Maddie escorted Michelle to the seat, “I was introducing you anyway, so sit.”

“Do I have to know lines?”

“No, no, this is all completely improvised,” Maddie said with a smile at the camera.

“Oh gosh.” Michelle said, perfectly summing up Maddie’s feelings.

“Internet, meet my sister, Michelle.” Michelle waved nervously at the camera. “You look tired, good day at work?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m just really exhausted. They had me running around and ordering fabrics all day and sorting them and making phone calls. I think I made ten pots of coffee and I drank probably a lot of cups of those.”

Both the sisters laughed. Then Maddie said, “They work you so hard I wish they paid you more.”

“Yeah, but that’s the price of the industry so… “ Michelle trailed off, not wanting to think about her financial worries right that moment. “Ok, I have to go.” Michelle was halfway out of her seat before exclaiming, “Oh my gosh, I almost forgot. I fixed this for you during break so be careful next time with those buttons. But, y’know I’ll fix those too. Bye.”

“Thank you!” Maddie shouted after her as she made her exit. “Seriously, she’s the sweetest person you’ll ever meet. It frustrates our Mom to no end that Michelle hasn’t snatched up a husband yet. She’s doing so much more with her life than prancing as some trophy wife. We’re super close-she’s pretty much my best friend.”

Ling cleared her throat, glaring at Maddie.

“Which brings me to my realest, most amazing, super-fantastic best friend, Ling,” Maddie said hurriedly, dragging Ling once more on camera. “She’s totally my best friend. Did I mention you’re totally my best friend?”

“Nice try.” Ling smiled all the same.

“Ling and I have been friends basically since we were fetuses. Fetuses? Fetei?”

“Fetuses. Our mothers were bridge partners when they were pregnant with us.”

“And they went into labour within like, ten minutes of each other at the same book club meeting. And what were they reading?” Maddie asked Ling.  
“Sense and Sensibility.”

“So it’s pretty much destiny. We’ve been inseparable ever since. Ling is as constant in my life as my sisters.”

“And I always will be.”

“Especially now, because she’s shooting and editing these video diaries, fulfilling her need to have total control over our friendship.”

“Says the girl who cried through my entire birthday party until I gave her one of my birthday presents to open.”

“I WAS SIX!” 

“AND A TOTAL BRAT!”

Well, that’s enough of that. Maddie pushed Ling out of frame before continuing, “So that is all for today-don’t forget to tune in next time as I’m sure there will be more momma-drama in the mystery of which sister will Mom throw at the new neighbour next?”

Ling forced her way back onto screen with a dramatic, “DUN DUN DUNNNN!”

“Peace!” Maddie said.

Ling sat down on the seat with a sigh. She then turned to Maddie and said, “…You need a better sign off, something that sticks with your audience but isn’t so incredibly lame.”  
“Get your own video blog!” Maddie pushed Ling once more off camera and made the signal to cut.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Maddie worries about the morality of her video diaries, everyone is invited to a wedding, and Feliciano Vargas brings his sister and a mysterious 'Beilschmidt' to Vecchio.

Chapter 2 April 14-April 20

Saturday April 14, 2012: Private Diary Entry 3

Home from morning office hours with Dr. Maes, and I feel a little better. I’d been nervous after the second video went up. (That one only took four hours to make so…progress!) We’ve gotten some views-a couple thousand, actually. Which isn’t ‘Charlie Bit My Finger’ levels by any means, but I’m sill kind of shocked that a couple thousand people have had this tiny glimpse into my life. And seemingly came back for more.

The people on the Internet must be really bored.

And so far, most of the feedback has been positive. But I’ve been a little nervous about how I portray my family. Specifically my Mom and Dad.

“Are you being honest about how they interact with you?” Dr. Maes asked.

“Yes, but…”

“But what?”

And that’s the question. Ever since Michelle expressed concern about it, it’s been on my mind. Am I being too harsh? Especially considering my parents don’t know about the videos. I don’t need their consent to portray them, only their consent if they appear on camera, which is NOT going to happen. Still, they’re my parents. My frustrations with them are probably pretty normal. Until one airs them for the entire world to see. Then the magnifying lens of public opinion warps everything.

But Dr. Maes reminded me that honesty in the portrayal of my life is all I can do-and actually, is the point of the whole project. So I left her office feeling a little more confident, and came home to what was apparently the World Ending(TM my Mother).

“Your father is zee reason none of you girls will ever be married!” My mom was at the kitchen, wailing this latest revelation to Michelle, who took it with her usual grace while helping her prepare lunch.

“'Ee won’t even go introduce ‘imself to zee new neighbour!”

Oh, yes. The new neighbour. This current World EndingTM has been going on for about a week now-I had almost blissfully forgotten about it, what with school and my videos. But Mom is obsessed with meeting Feliciano Vargas and getting one of her daughters in front of him. So you would think she would just go up and introduce herself…but no. That’s not how Mom operates.

Perhaps it’s because she knows she might be a tad overwhelming to the uninitiated?

Could she be that self-aware?

“We’re not exactly neighbours, Mom,” I tried. The house in question is at least twenty minutes away, on the other side of town. The nice side. The McMansion side.

“Which is why I cannot provide zee introduction!” my mother said between splotchy sobs. “If zey were nearby I could walk over with a welcome plate of cold meats and cheeses. But I need your father to do it, and ‘ee will not oblige me! I am bereft!”

Occasionally, my Mom thinks it’s the turn of the twentieth century, and she’s Daisy Buchanan.

I could only roll my eyes and back away slowly, because from the look on my mother’s face, anything else would just be instigation. So I wander over to my other parent.

“Hey, Dad, thanks for being the reason I’ll never get married.” I said from the doorway to the den.

“You’re welcome, Maddie. Anything I can do to help,” he answered from behind his newspaper.

“You could just go introduce yourself to this Feliciano Vargas and end Mom’s torture, you know.” Another wail erupted from the kitchen. “And ours. Conversely, we could time travel to the twenty-first century and we girls could introduce ourselves. Oh, look at that!” I glanced at my watch. “We’re already here!”

“Now are you going to spoil all my fun?” The top of the newspaper folded down, revealing a glint in Dad’s green eyes. It’s a glint similar to Alicia’s when there is mischief to be had.

Now, as silly as this whole thing was, if Dad was anti introducing himself, he would have flat-out said so, and my mom would have started scheming up a new way to get Feliciano Vargas in one of her daughter’s (read: her) grasp. But from the fact that it’s played out this long, combined with that little glint, and what appeared to be a smirk, I knew something was up.

“Dad…is it possible that you have already met Feliciano Vargas?”

He shrugged.

“Dad…”

“All right,” my father sighed. “It is possible that I was at the club the other day, and it is possible that young Mr. Feliciano Vargas happened to be there signing up for a new membership. It’s also possible that I took the opportunity to introduce myself and mention that I have three daughters around his age.”

My eyes went wide. “You did not. You sold us out, packaged us off just like Mom wants?”

“I didn’t package you off-trust that I have a hair more tact than your mother,” he said with a grin.

“What were you doing at the club?” My parents have weekly bridge night at the club, but it’s on Mondays.

“Cancelling out membership,” my father replied. “Now that you all are grown and no longer are playing hockey, we hardly use it.”

Right. Except for bridge on Mondays. So, that’s not weird?

“Well…what’s he like? Vargas?” I asked. Hey, he’d been the topic of discussion in my house for a week now; I’m allowed to be a little curious.

“You can find out for yourself next weekend-he’ll be at Heracles Karpusi’s wedding. Apparently he went to school with his fiancé.”

Right. Heracles Karpusi’s fiancé went to Harvard. Therefore, Feliciano Vargas went to Harvard. When my mother found this out, Feliciano Vargas went from a major catch to the mythical unicorn/phoenix/centaur she’d always hoped would wander into her daughter’s lives.

“Okay,” I said, sitting down next to my father. “How much longer are you planning on keeping this from Mom?”

“Not much longer. I thought I might spring it on her at the wedding.”

“Dad, I know you like winding up Mom, but do you also enjoy post-apocalyptic nuclear hellscapes? Because that’s what the house will be if you don’t tell her. Soon.”

“I have no idea what half that sentence means, but I take your point.” My dad lifted himself out of his chair with a sigh.

“And if your father does not care enough about you to introduce ‘imself to Feliciano Vargas, chances are we won’t meet ‘im until ‘ee marries Ling Wang!” my mother ranted, while simultaneously crushing pecans with a mallet. Cooking de-stresses her. We eat well in this house.

“I’m sorry to hear it,” Dad said. “If I had known that I’d be ruining Ling’s future happiness, I would not have introduced myself to Feliciano Vargas the other day.”

As my mother shrieked and squealed and pressed my father for more information, I couldn’t help but watch my parents do this dance-Dad winding up Mom, Mom getting flustered, then happy-that they’ve been doing probably since they met. It made me smile.

And I realized Dr. Maes is right.

This is my family. If I can’t be honest about them, then I’m not being honest about myself. This is my life, warts and all. And that’s what I’m putting out there.

 

Monday April 16, 2012  
A Twitter Exchange Between Feliciano Vargas, Caterina Vargas, and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup @bschmidt I can’t wait for you guys to get here. I LOVE this place. And the people are so nice.

5:59pm- Apr 15, 2012  
2 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta You could have a pleasant conversation with a traffic cone.

6:01pm- Apr 15, 2012  
48 retweets, 59 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt ha ha. but for real, I’ve been meeting some neighbors. really welcoming folks.

6:02pm- Apr 15, 2012  
6 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta of course they are.

6:03pm- Apr 15, 2012  
2 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta you’re probably the most exciting thing to happen to them since their last barn raising

6:06pm- Apr 16, 2012  
1 retweet, 6 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup rustic.

6:07pm- Apr 15, 2012  
2 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup @bschmidt you two think any place that doesn’t have a coffee show within 100 yards is rustic

6:09pm- Apr 15, 2012  
3 retweets, 3 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta accurate. please @bschmidt, save this damsel in distress from the perils of #roughinit

6:10pm- Arp 15, 2012

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup my lady, I’m your knight in shining armor.

6:12pm- Apr 15, 2012  
2 comments, 6 retweets, 8 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt in shining armor and holding a triple Americano, I hope.

6:13pm- Apr 15, 2012  
2 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup I’m at your service

6:14pm- Apr 15, 2012  
3 likes

Uploaded Monday April 16, 2012  
Episode 3: My Parents- Opposingly Supportive

“So the thing about my mother is that she loves a good panic, seriously I have never seen her happier than when she thought radiation was going to cross the Pacific from Japan and kill us all last year," Maddie said from her normal spot in front of the camera. "Then there’s my dad, who’s really calm, smart and supportive of us. He likes to spend his days reading by his train collection. How these two ever got together in the first place, I will never know.

 

“My name is Maddie Kirkland, and these are my parents.

 

“What’s keeping Mom “happy” at the moment is that she’s decided we can’t go over and meet Feilciano Vargas like normal people. No, for some reason Dad has to go over and introduce the rest of us. And he hasn’t done it yet. This has been going on all week.

Ling sat down next to her, already wearing her Dad’s bowler hat and sweater vest. Maddie donned the sunhat, shawl, and fake pearls. Maddie was happy Ling seemed much more willing this time to do Costume Theatre this time around.

“…And if you do not go visit Feliciano Vargas tomorrow, we may as well resign ourselves to not meeting ‘im, until Chun-Yang Wang invites us to 'er daughter’s wedding,” Maddie said in that exaggerated French accent.

“Ling Wang is getting married? Why would Feliciano Vargas be at her wedding?” Ling!Arthur said.

“BECAUSE ‘EE’S ZEE GROOM!”

Ling went back to manning the camera and Maddie removed her shawl. “So that’s been fun. Oh, and Ling, apparently you’re going to marry Feliciano Vargas. Congratulations.”

“You know we still don’t know what he looks like,” Ling said, sliding in beside Maddie again.

“Exactly!” Maddie said, pushing Ling back out of frame. “But fortunately for this odd couple marriage, this is nothing dad enjoys more than winding Mom up. I made a chart!” Maddie had indeed made a chart, which Ling edited in later.

On the “Things Dad Enjoys” chart was increasing bars listing socks < trains < pipe smoking < embarrassing daughters < winding up mom.

The door opened behind Maddie, “NERRRRRD!” shouted Alicia.

“Get out!” Maddie yelled back, before getting up and slamming the door in Alicia’s face.

“So then of course when dad actually introduces himself to Feliciano Vargas, he doesn’t, you know, tell mom. Because that would be the normal thing to do. No, he waits until mom is so frustrated over him not meeting Feliciano Vargas that she yells that she’s 'sick of the whole thing and would be happy to never hear the name “Feliciano Vargas” again.’ And that’s when dad says,”

Ling sat back down in full costume, “Oh, that’s too bad. I met him while he was getting his membership at the club, and he’ll be at Heracles Karpusi’s wedding. Apparently, he’s a friend of the groom. I told him all about our girls. There is no way to avoid meeting him now.”

Maddie!Francine clapped her hands in joy and laughed in over-the-top delight.

Next Maddie said as herself out of costume, “Now, she’s back on the “Feliciano Vargas, future son-in-law” train. Choo-choo! Thanks, dad. I do not believe he went over there and talked about us. I can just imagine that conversation.”

Maddie decided upon a head mirror and stethoscope around her neck to dress up a Feliciano Vargas. He was studying to be a doctor after all. Ling!Arthur said, “Hello, I’m your new neighbour.” Ling held out her hand and Maddie!Feliciano took it and shook it enthusiastically.

“Hello, I’m a rich, successful medical student,” Maddie!Feliciano said.

“I’m well aware of that. In fact, my wife has sent me to meet you so that you can eventually marry on of our daughters.” Ling!Arthur said, his accent is still horrible.

“Are they hot?”

“Attractive, accomplished, even smart. My Maddie is getting an advanced degree in Mass Communications, which dooms her to life of unemployment, so she could use a rich husband like you.”

“What if I’m looking for something more in a trophy wife?” Maddie!Feliciano stroked his chin thoughtfully.

“Well, her sister Michelle is quite the fashionable beauty and would stunning on your arm. And word around campus is that my youngest, Alicia, is a bit of a slut.”

From the room across the hall came a shout, “I HEARD THAT!”

Ling’s eyes went wide before she tore off the bowler hat and hurried back behind the safety of the camera. A moment later Alicia came storming in and glared at Maddie. “Take it back.”

Maddie knew she would never leave until Maddie did. She let Alicia sit down on the seat and turned back to the camera with a forced, “my sister Alicia is not a slut. Happy?”

“Yes,” she said, with a final glare that plainly told she wasn’t and slammed the door on her way out.

“So next weekend our family friends, the Karpusi’s, are marrying off their son, which serves as another in-your-face reminder to my mom about how pathetically single her daughters are.

“But there’s hope! Because Feliciano Vargas is a friend of Heracles Karpusi’s husband-to-be, so now, apparently, he’s coming. Cannot wait,” Maddie said in dull monotone.

“So tune in next time for…Operation: Matchmaker Wedding. Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire Med Student? Survivor: My Parents.”

Maddie cringed, “Yeah, I really got to figure out how to end these things. But for now there’s…” she made the cut motion with her hand.

 

Tuesday April 17, 2012: Private Diary Entry 4

My mother had reached a whole new level of crazy.

You’d think that with the news that we’d meet Feliciano Vargas at the wedding this weekend, she would be satisfied. But no, now the rumour is that he’s bringing guests to the Karpusi wedding, so he must have a girlfriend. Or multiple girlfriends. She’s freaking out about it. Again, my mother has reached a whole new level of crazy. I was driving to the library (side note: Thank God for these free mornings of Tuesdays. I don’t know when I would document or brainstorm ideas for the vlog otherwise. The end of the semester is coming up fast and my workload shows it.) and I saw my mom making the turn into the Vecchio development. And it struck me: she’s doing drive-bys. Trying to catch a glimpse of the elusive man himself and whoever he has with him and find out if it’s possible to wrest him from that person’s clutches.

She doesn’t even know this guy! He could be nice, sure. But he could also be terrible…an aimless drug addict, or worse yet, and European elitist with a crippling downhill skiing addiction. Yet she has already claimed him as her future son-in-law. And that’s what worries me most. I had been vacillating between being sorry of Feliciano Vargas and being sorry for us sisters, but the fact that Mom is more than willing to hook one of us up with him without even having had a conversation with him means that she’s no thinking about might make us happy. Only about what might make her happy, and one of us possibly secure.

Either way, Feliciano Vargas had better fasten his seat belt for the wedding this weekend. He doesn’t know it yet, but it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

 

Wednesday April 18, 2012  
A Twitter exchange between Maddie Kirkland and Ling Wang

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

Hey @thelingway…you remember what you said about my signoffs?

12:20am- Apr 18, 2012

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

That they were lame? RT “@glowinghearts: Hey @ thelingway…you remember what you said about my signoffs?”

12:23am- Apr 18, 2012

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

Photo: effyeathemaddiekirklanddiaries: PEACE!!!- @thelingway I have a fan on tumblr! #NOTLAME ;) 

12:25am- Apr 18, 2012  
1 retweet, 2 likes

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@glowinghearts Nope. #StillLame

12:26am- Apr 18, 2012  
1 comment

Tim Maes  
@timislit

@thelingway @glowinghearts Wow. Tough critic. :)

12:27am- Apr 18, 2012

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@timislit We want to make the best @glowinghearts Diaries possible. ;) #TheMKD RT “@thelingway @glowinghearts Wow. Tough critic. :)”

12:40am- Apr 18, 2012

 

Wednesday April 18, 2012  
A Twitter conversation between Feliciano Vargas, Ludwig Beilschmidt, and Caterina Vargas

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup what time is your flight?

6:36pm- Apr 18, 2012  
1 retweet, 1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta change of plans. I’m gonna fly over with @bschmidt

6:41pm- Apr 18, 2012  
1 retweet, 1 like

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup oh, good. I’ll send the car to pick you up.

6:43pm- Apr 18, 2012  
1 comment, 1 retweet, 1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta you better, or maybe we’ll just get back on the plane and fly somewhere more interesting. Switzerland, perhaps?

6:51pm- Apr 18, 2012  
1 comment, 4 retweets, 3 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup you’d like that, wouldn’t you?

6:54pm- Apr 18, 2012  
1 retweet, 1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta no comment.

6:58pm- Apr 18, 2012  
1 retweet, 1 like

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta @romanitup I do have a house in Switzerland.

7:01pm- Apr 18, 2012  
1 comment, 2 retweets, 8 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt i know. :)

7:03pm- Apr 18, 2012  
1 retweet, 1 like

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt she knows

7:04pm- Apr 18, 2012  
2 retweets, 3 likes

 

Uploaded Thursday April 19, 2012  
Episode 4: Feliciano Vargas and His 500 Teenage Prostitutes 

“My mother has been freaking out! (I wonder how many of these videos will start with that exact same sentence…). So what was she freaking out about? That Michelle has to default on her student loans AGAIN, even though she has a full time job? Nope. Or the fact that I have mid-terms coming up that will probably shape my entire future? Not even close.

“No, my mom freaks out about Feliciano Vargas, some rich, successful, going-to-be-a-doctor who she’s never met who’s apparently destined to marry one of her daughters.

 

“My name is Maddie Kirkland, and this is all about Feliciano Vargas.

 

“According to the news, a.k.a. 2.5 WPF social media chatter, (when did mom’s get so good at Facebook?) the mysterious Mr. Feliciano Vargas is currently being whisked away to the airport by his driver. His driver, HE HAS A DRIVER! I wish I had a driver that would be awesome! As I was saying, Feliciano Vargas is currently on his way to the airport, to return with an entire harem of women, according to my mother.”

Cut to Maddie now dressed as Francine, “five ‘undred women! Zere are prostitutes, and teenagers, and probably not-so-distant cousins!”

Jumpcut to Maddie sitting on the other side of the screen. “And you want me to marry this guy?” Maddie says.

“’Ave you not been listening to me? ‘E’s rich, ‘andsome, and SINGLE!” Maddie!Francine said.

“And what makes you think there are five hundred teenage prostitutes?”

“I just ‘appened to be driving by ‘is ‘ouse, you know, five or six times, spoken to ‘is neighbours, stolen ‘is mail…completely normal things!”

“Right, of course.”

Maddie!Francine scorns, “And anyway, you, mon cher, are missing zee point! Zose are now five ‘undred women with a better chance of marrying zat man zan any of my ‘opeless, pathetic, single daughters.”

Something hit Maddie in the back of the head, knocking her off the seat and her mother’s sunhat. From the floor, Maddie looked up to Alicia who said, “Wow, you have seriously lost your mind.” She held her phone out, clicked her tongue as she took a picture of Maddie sprawled on the floor. “You do need some serious man-action.”

“Well, you’ve got plenty to spare,” Maddie said drily, picking herself up.

Alicia’s eyes shot up from her phone, “Hey! You should be nice to me because I know something you don’t know~” Alicia turned to leave.

Maddie rose to her feet, “Wait, Alicia! Wait!”

Ling cut to Maddie sitting next to Alicia after Maddie managed to drag her back in. “Okay. Now tell me,” Maddie said.

Alicia just suppressed a smile and shrugged. “Oh my god, tell me or get out!” Maddie shouted.

“Okay, so Mom paid me 10 bucks to drive by Feliciano’s on my way home from Jill’s and he only brought back one girl. So I talked to Jill, who texted Toby who called his friend-“

“Alicia!”

“Um, she’s just his sister. The girl he brought back, JUST HIS SISTER! HOLLA!” Alicia ‘raised the roof’ with her hands.

“Alright, well at least Mom will be thrilled. So wait, you saw him. Is he actually cute?”

“Nah, just the back of his head. I tried! He’s like a ninja. His sister was beautiful, though. Totally gorgeous. So he’s probably at least passible. Although, sometimes good genes tend to skip a sibling…” Alicia cast a sideways glance at Maddie.

“Alright, time you to leave,” Maddie made to push Alicia out of her room.

“Wait! I’m not done! There was someone else, another man,” Alicia grinned.

“Wait. Like, frolicking in the meadows, holding hands, another man?”

Alicia frowned for a second, trying to figure out Maddie’s meaning. “No, dumbass! He brought a friend back with him. An incredibly hot, incredibly rich piece of man-cake friend. I heard they went to school together.” Alicia nudged Maddie’s shoulder.

Maddie nudged back, “That doesn’t mean they weren’t frolicking in meadows.”

“Oh my god, stop it, they are too hot and single to be gay!” For someone who spends so much time on Tumblr, Alicia still seemed really dense when it comes to reading homoerotic subtext.

“Does your infinite chain of sources know this ambiguously sexually-oriented “man-cake”’s name?”

“Beilschmidt.”

“Beilschmidt? That’s it? Is that his first name or last name?”

“I don’t know, I just heard them call him Beilschmidt.”

“Wow. That is an awful name.”

“I think it’s a great name.” And Alicia, with her breaking news delivered, made her leave.

Maddie turned back to the camera, “Beilschmidt. It’s like he’s a dubstep DJ.” Maddie began pretending to DJ, very badly. Alicia appeared in her doorway and threw a T-shirt at her to get her to stop.

“Alicia! Oh my god!” Maddie shouted.

 

Friday April 20, 2012: Private Diary Entry 5

“Oh, my God. Maddie, did you see this?” Ling burst into our cubicle at school. I was working on a paper for Advanced Theories of Media Criticism. At least, I should’ve been. What I was really doing was iChatting with Alicia, who’d been swimming in the Mom crazysauce, speculating about Feliciano Vargas’ guests. Although speculation seemed pointless. Alicia had already done her usual snooping and found out that his guests were only his sister and some dude named Beilschmidt. Which-if it’s not his last name- sounds like some stereotypical German fictional character, like Hanz Gruber, but I digress.

Ling was shushed by the other grad students, but, for once, didn’t care.

“See what?”

“Your numbers.” She leaned over my shoulder and opened the Internet browser.

On the screen was my YouTube channel. And she pointed at my views. Which had suddenly gone up to 60,000. Per video.

“Oh, my God!” Now it way my turn to be shushed.

“Oh, shut up,” Ling said to the shushers. “Something is actually happening here.”

“I didn’t think it would work,” I said.

“What wouldn’t work?”

“I…I emailed a few people. And tweeted. Vloggers. And asked if they would check it out.” I have been secretly hoping that they would check it out and love it so much that they would recommend it to their viewers, but I really didn’t think it would work. It was a shot in the dark.

Oh, my God.

“I didn’t think it would work,” I repeated again.

“Maddie, you’re a hit! You have a legitimate audience now!”

“I have a legitimate audience,” I said, dazed. “And they’re going to want more videos.” My stomach turned. “Good videos. Oh God, what if I don’t have anything to say anymore? What if I have nothing to talk about?”

Ling smirked at me. “I’ve known you since birth, Maddie. You’ve never had nothing to say.”

“But…I’m pretty boring.”

This is sadly true. Alicia isn’t totally wrong about me. I’m fairly nerdy. I read books and write term papers. I’m (annoyingly) perpetually single. I may have a point of view to express, but still…it’s not the stuff compelling content is made of.

“How do I keep people’s interest five, then videos from now?”

“You’re overthinking it,” Ling said, in her version of soothing. “Don’t worry about five, ten videos from now, worry about the next one. And with the Karpusi wedding tomorrow, you should have something at least halfway interesting to say on Monday.”

I took deep breaths. Any iChat convo with Alicia or advanced theory of media criticism was forgotten. Ling was right. I just have to focus on the next one. And if I know my mother, at least the Karpusi wedding will yield something interesting to talk about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And our plot gears up! Leave a review, let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Maddie has The Most Awkward Dance Ever(TM)

Chapter 3 April 21-April 27

Sunday April 22, 2012: Private Diary Entry 6

It’s about 2am, and if I were smart I’d be asleep right now. Check that-if I had a best friend who wasn’t wasted and butt-dialing me, I’d be asleep right now. But I just received a call from Ling that went something like this:

(garbled noise)…”Either I’m drunk, or this part just came down with a bad case of Fellini.”… (more gabled noises)…”Why is my phone lit up?” (BEEP).

To be fair, I wasn’t asleep yet anyway, since we just got home from the Karpusi wedding about an hour ago. My mom is currently in a state of glee (or slumber. Gleeful slumber.) Because, according to her joyous monologue on the way home, all of her pain and plotting were worthwhile as Mr. Feliciano Vargas, or Feli as he likes to be called (an admittedly good-looking, Italian, wealthy type of rich homeowner) has now met and been smitten by one of her daughters.

Specifically, Michelle.

I, however, am in a state of unbridled annoyance, because of one single person.

Specifically, Ludwig Beilschmidt.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The wedding ceremony was lovely. Outdoors, in the afternoon. Why live in a sleepy costal central California town if not to take advantage of the weather for your nuptials? Our long-time friend, Hercules pledged to love, honour, and cover his new husband, Kiku Honda on his work’s health insurance plan for as long as they both shall live, while Hercules’ mother sniffled her way through the ceremony-her sniffles only slightly softer than my mother’s wails. (Note: Hercules Karpusi was in the same class as Michelle since first grad; her mother and ours cut up orange slices for soccer practice together. Mom can barely hold her head up in front of Mrs. Karpusi now, as her daughters remain tragically unwed.)

Of course, during the entire ceremony, my mother was craning her neck across the aisle to better stare at Feliciano Vargas and his companions. Luckily he didn’t notice, but his overly tall, blonde, stuck-up friend did. He frowned at us from beneath this ridiculous newsboy hat. Although I can’t even be sure it was a frown now. From what I saw of him that evening, his face just stays that way.

Regardless, the newlyweds kissed, the recessional played, and it was time to party! But before we could even get to the car to drive to the lovely restaurant overlooking the town that was hosting the reception, Mom had pulled Michelle and Alicia (okay, I went along, too) into Feliciano’s path and got herself the introduction she’d been yearning for.

“You must be Mr. Vargas!”

“Yes, but I like to go by Feli,” ‘Feli’ said with an eager smile and an Italian accent. He shook my mother’s hand. Then, he turned his eyes to Michelle.

And they never left.

“Hi, I’m Feli!” he unnecessarily said to Michelle. Extending his hand towards her.

“I’m Michelle,” she said. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

And then they just stood there. Basically holding hands. Until someone behind Feli cleared his throat.

Someone in a newsboy cap. And a bow tie. (The bow tie I can forgive, but seriously, who wears a newsboy cap to a wedding?)

“This is my sister, Caterina, and my friend, Ludwig Beilschmidt.”

“Hi…” Caterina Vargas said in a slow drawl that clearly showed she’d rather be anywhere but here. While their friend Beilschmidt might be a little on the hipster side, Caterina was a little on the my-hair-is-perfect-and-shiny-and-don’t-you-like-my-Prada-sunglasses side. But at least she had the decency to say ‘hi’.

“Feli, the driver will be blocked if we don’t get going soon,” said Beilschmidt.

Charming.

“Right,” Feli replied, this prompting him to finally drop Michell’s hand and notice the rest of us. ”I guess we’ll see you all at the reception?”

My mother could not get to the reception venue fast enough. She made my dad weave through all the traffic, run two stop signs, and almost cause an accident just so she could get to the card table first and fidget things around so Michelle was sitting only a table away from Feli and Co.

Meanwhile, I was happy to sit next to Ling.

“I saw your mom finally managed to corner the elusive Feliciano Vargas after the ceremony,” she said, between bites of crab puffs.

I will say that the Karpusi’s really know how to throw a party. It was a beautiful room, with chandeliers, old-Hollywood table markers, a jazz trio near the dance floor, and some insanely delicious food, as evidence by Ling’s devotion to the crab puffs.

My eyes immediately went to the table where Feli sat. Or rather, where he leaned over to the next table, talking to Michelle. She blushed and smiled.

“And it looks like he picked out his favourite sister already,” Ling observed. “Michelle has thoroughly charmed him.”

“Michelle thoroughly charms everyone,” I replied.

“Yeah, but maybe she’s charmed, too, this time.”

I continued watching. There was a lot of blushing and smiling and nodding going on between those two. But…”My sister is not going to fall immediately for a guy my mother picked out for her. She’s too smart for that.”

But Ling just shrugged and took another sip of her vodka tonic. “I’ll bet you drinks that she spends the whole evening talking to him.”

“It’s an open bar,” I noted. One at which Alicia had already parked herself.

“Hence how we can afford the bet. Every hour that she spends with him, you have to fetch me a drink. Every hour they spend apart, I fetch you one.

“Deal.”

Just then, Beilschmidt leaned over and said something to Feli, which brought his attention away from Michelle and made Feli’s smile slide off his face. Like he had been admonished.

“At least Michelle caught the eye of someone with manners,” I grumbled, “and not his friend. What’s his deal, anyway?”

“Who-Ludwig Beilschmidt?” Ling asked. “According to my mom, he’s an old school friend of Feli’s. Apparently he inherited and runs some entertainment company based in Germany with a headquarters in San Francisco that’s trying to expand into US markets.”

“Oh yeah, that bastion of entertainment, San Fransisco.” (I have a dry wit.) “And by ‘runs’ I assume you mean he flips through the quarterly reports in between daiquiris on the beach.”

“He’s a little pale to be a beach bum.” (Ling’s wit may be even drier than mine.) “And a bit too serious to be a trust-funder. Also, you should consider yourself lucky that you mother is not actively targeting him, too. The Beilschmidts are worth twice as much as the Vargas’.”

I eyed Ling. “Why do you know this?”

“Mrs. Wang wouldn’t mind my marrying rich, either.” Ling took a final sip of her drink and held out the empty glass to me. “Oh, look, Feliciano is talking to Michelle again. Why don’t you go and pre-emptively get me another vodka tonic?”

Ling was proven right about Feli and Michelle. They spent the whole evening talking to each other. And when they weren’t talking, they were dancing.

But she was wrong about something else. My mother was going to actively target Ludwig Beilschmidt. I saw the moment it happened.

She was sitting with Mrs. Wang, gabbing away, her eyes on Feli and Michelle. Then I saw her pump her fists in triumph. Mrs. Wang, not to be outdone, leaned over and whispered something in my mom’s ear. My mother’s eyes immediately zipped to where Ludwig Beilschmidt was standing against a wall, frowning (of course) and typing on his phone.

 

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup why is everybody looking at me?

7:13pm- Apr 21, 2012  
2 retweets, 9 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschimidt must be because you’re so handsome #belleoftheball

7:17pm- Apr 21, 2012  
2 retweets, 7 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup @felilovespasta don’t encourage them.

7:23pm- Apr 21, 2012  
3 likes

 

Then my mom’s eyes zipped towards me.

That was when I decided to hide. I found a nice spot on a far wall, with some decent shadowing. With any luck my mother would not be able to find me and instead target her matchmaking onto Alicia, who was currently grinding against two different guys on the dance floor.

Of course, I don’t have any luck.

I was pretty happy by my wall. I watched Michelle and Feli dance. I watched my mom try to talk to Beilschmidt and get a literal cold shoulder. And then…I watched my steely-eyed mother march over and whisper something in Hercules and Kiku’s ears.

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

having a wonderful time with @romanitup and @bschmidt. And making new friends.

8:10pm- Apr 21, 2012  
1 comment, 1 retweet, 5 likes

Ludwig Beilshmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup keep an eye on your brother.

8:25pm- Apr 21, 2012  
4 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt put you phone down and go dance with somebody!

9:35pm- Apr 21, 2012  
9 retweets, 28 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bshmidt 

@felilovespasta not likely.

9:37pm- Apr 21, 2012  
3 likes

“All right everyone!” Mrs. Karpusi called out. “Time for the bouquet toss!”

Oh, dear God.

This is every unattached person’s least favourite part of any wedding. Might as well herd all us single folk into a pen to be gawked at like an exhibit at a zoo: Look! Unmatched pairs, in the wild!

But I could feel my mother’s eyes staring daggers at me. I would be disowned if I didn’t participate.

I found Ling in the crowd of reluctant young ladies. We shared a shrug of sympathy.

Michelle came up next to me. “Hi! Isn’t this such a wonderful wedding?” She glowed. If infatuation were radioactive, she would be Marie Curie. “I’m so happy. For Hercules and Kiku,” she clarified.

“Aw, Hercules and Kiku are so super cute together, it’s gross!” Alicia said from my other side. “But Kiku has the hottest friends- which one do you think I should sneak out to the car with?”  
Alicia finger-waved to the two inebriated bros she’d been dancing with.

Since there was only a 50% chance she was joking. I opened my mouth to say something that would hopefully cajole my younger sister into not banging some random dude in the car we all had to ride home in, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a bouquet of peonies headed right for my face.

Holding up my hands was a natural defensive reaction.

So there I was, bouquet in hand and a bunch of relieved singles around me clapping. I noticed my mother in the crowd beyond. She was giving Hercules two thumbs up.

Next up: the guys. One guess as to which self-inflicted social pariah stood as far away as possible from the crowd but still got the bouquet of cheery blossoms in the chest.  
Ludwig Beilschmidt.

We locked eyes. He looked grim. To be fair, I’m sure I did, too. As the music started up and the dance floor cleared for this most terrible of traditions, I was actually feeling a little sorry for Beilschmidt. He was clearly not comfortable. He didn’t dance well-just sort of swayed in time to the music, and kept me at arm’s length like a seventh grader, his chin going back into his face like a turtle trying to hide. (I’m not a professional dancer by any means, but I enjoy a good turn across the floor with someone fun, and I regularly kick Alicia’s butt in Just Dance.) He also did his best to avoid my eyes. Maybe he was just a little socially awkward. After all, Feli seemed fun and outgoing, and Beilschmidt was Feli’s friend, so there has to be something more to him, right?

Wrong.

 

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt nice catch! #awkward

10:14pm- Apr 21, 2012  
2 retweets, 2 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt I take it back. you should definitely stay off the dance floor.

10:19pm- Apr 21, 2012  
4 retweets, 17 likes

 

I tried a little conversation to break the silence.

“This is a pretty incredible party, don’t you think?”

“If you say so,” he said in his German accent.

Wow. Okay.

“Well, it’s what passes for incredible in our little town. How do you like it here so far?”

“I don’t, especially.”

Wow. Way to be open and accepting of my hometown there, fancypants.

“Do you…” I searched for something, anything. “…like to dance?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“Do you like anything?” I couldn’t help but say.

That got him to look at me. He was shocked, but hey, at least it was some response.

“Look, I’m trying here,” I said, “but that was basically my entire small-talk repertoire. So, you could either lob the ball back in my court, or we could sway here in silence for the remaining two minutes of this song.” I waited. “Your choice.”

He said nothing.

And I don’t know why. How hard is it ask someone what kind of movies she likes, or what she studies in school? Basic chitchat stuff? Apparently for Beilschmidt, lowering himself to converse with a townie-dwelling occasional dancer who appreciates all the hard work the Hercules and Mrs, Karpusi put into a wedding like this was too degrading a concept.

So he just pulled his chin back farther and let the song end.

“Thank you,” he said, after stopping abruptly when the music faded.

No, Beilschmidt, thank you for putting that dance out of its misery.

We separated. Luckily, the band struck up another song, and the rest of the partygoers filtered back onto the floor, masking any embarrassment. And I have to admit, it was kind of embarrassing. For him to not even pretend politeness? Way to make me feel like an unworthy troll.

But I found Ling by my lovely shadowed spot on the wall, and she had a way of making me feel better about the whole thing-by laughing about it.

“That was the most awkward dance ever,” she said. “Worse than you wedding dance with Eduard Von Brock in second grade.”

“True. Eduard at least had been enthusiastic. Although he did have to get a cootie shot before touching me.”

Ling laughed so hard, she got dizzy. “Whoa…” she closed her eyes. “Room spinning.”

“Yeah, I think you’re done with the vodka tonics for now. Although you won the bet, hands down. No contest.”

“Yup. Can’t wait to be invited to Michelle and Feli’s wedding.” She smirked. Then turned green.

“Let’s get some air, okay?” I said. I didn’t tell her this, but the idea of Michelle marrying Feli at my mother’s urging made me want to turn green, too.

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt Longest. Reception. Evar. #halp

11:22pm- Apr 21, 2012  
2 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup I feel your pain

11:25pm- Apr 21, 2012  
4 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt meet me at the bar in 10 minutes

11:28pm- Apr 21, 2012

 

Outside, Ling took some deep, easy breaths. The green faded from her face. We were about to go back in, when I heard two familiar voices from around the corner.

“Can we go home, please?” Beilschmidt said.

“Come on, it wasn’t that bad. Could you try to enjoy yourself? A little?” Feliciano replied.

“In a town like this? I don’t see how.”

“Well, you could try dancing again.”

“Because that went so well the last time.”

“It wasn’t that bad.” There was silence, and I imagine a sardonic look exchanged between friends that mirrored the sardonic look exchanged between Ling and me.

“Listen, you’re having fun,” Beilschmidt said. “You have somehow managed to find the only pretty girl in this town. Go back in and keep dancing with Michelle Bonnefoy. I’ll go home and send the driver back for you.”

“Come on, don’t do that,” Feliciano said. “Stay a little while. I want to introduce you to Michelle. Properly. You’ll like her. She’s…I’ve never met anyone like her.”

I had to give Feli props for that. Whether or not he’s good enough for Michelle, he’s got good taste.

“I’ve never met anyone that smiles that much.”

There’s that Beilschmidt charm. Finding fault with smiling.

“And you know what,” Feli continued, ignoring his friend’s attitude, “her sister Maddie is pretty nice, too. I bet if you asked her to dance again, she’d say yes. Give you a do-over?”

Before I could even wonder if I actually would give him a do-over, I could feel icy derision coming of Beilschmidt in waves, curving around the corner to my hiding spot and leaving my cold.

“Madeline Kirkland is…fine, I suppose. Decent enough. But why should I bother dancing with her when no one else is?”

My jaw dropped silently. So did Ling’s. I mean, seriously. Who the hell does this guy think he is? I didn’t really hear what was said next because of the rage flooding my ears, but Feliciano must have worked some magic on Beilschmidt (or more likely had some dirt on him) and got him back inside the party.

“Wow,” Ling said.

“And to think, I was beginning to feel I had been too harsh on him.”

“Well, at least you have an out with your mom. All you have to do is relay that little conversation to her and she’ll never bug you about marrying into the Beilschmidt fortune again.”

And that was basically the Karpusi wedding. Ling was pretty tipsy the rest of the night, but held it together. I left her in good hands with her mother, her little sister Mei, and a tall glass of ice water. Alicia danced too much, and didn’t alternate water with her hard liquor and ended up vomiting in the bushes outside (very near where Ling almost did), and that was about the time the Kirkland-Bonnefoy family decided to go home. Mom tried to persuade Michelle to stay with Feliciano and have him give her a ride home (in his limo), but Michelle was pretty tired by that point, too.

Tired, but smiling. A lot.

 

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt FFS, how long is @felilovespasta going to talk to her? #letsgoooo

11:54pm- Apr 21, 2012  
1 retweet, 3 likes

 

My mother crowed the whole way home about watching Michelle and Feliciano dance together. Calling it the happiest day of her life. Which sums up my mother for you.  
Ling was right, though. My mom was willing and able to dislike Beilschmidt. She had found him pretty rude when she’d tried to speak with him before the Most Awkward Dance Ever(TM Ling Wang). I gave her a truncated version of our conversation while dancing, or lack thereof. I kept what I’d overheard outside to myself. Mom might be a little hyper-focused on marriage, but she’s also a mama bear. Don’t mess with her cubs. And under no circumstances insult them.

Ling was right about something else too. At least I have plenty to vlog about when we record tomorrow. Although, considering the number of vodka tonics I fetched her (and the slurring butt-dial), I may have to do this one without my bestie. She’s going to need to sleep her victory off.

P.S. Before I went to bed, I was idly checking my phone. Feli and Michelle have followed each other on Twitter. Michelle only follows family and fashion on Twitter.  
I know my sister. And I don’t know how to feel about this.

 

Michelle Bonnefoy Following  
Feli Vargas @felilovespasta  
Med student and buona via. Today is going to be great!

Feli Vargas Following  
Michelle Bonnefoy @looksbyschelles  
Hi I’m Michelle Bonnefoy. I’m a Merchandise Coordinator, and I love Fashion. Big sis to @glowinghearts & @starspangledalicia 

Uploaded Monday April 23, 2012  
Episode 5: The Real Feliciano Vargas

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Michelle said from behind Maddie. Maddie was currently leaning in front of the camera lens, fiddling with the optimization options on the side, giving viewers a good look down the front of her shirt.

“I’ve seen Ling work this thing like a thousand times,” Maddie said, dismissively. “There!”

“I’m sure the Internet’s going to appreciate a close up of your boobs. I hope Dad’s not watching these.” Maddie sat down next to her sister.

“Ahh! Anyway, Ling can edit this part out before she posts it. Ling! Edit this out. Start it…now!” Ling added a small ‘lol-Ling’ to the bottom of the screen. Too amusing not to leave in. Besides, boobs in the thumbnail was a proven way to con people into clicking the video.

“Hello, Internet! I should let you know that we are without the technical expertise of my dear friend Ling today, but pending some possible technical glitches, we should be fine.

 

“My name is Maddie Kirkland and it is business as usual after the wedding.”  
“…Maddie, I don’t think that’s a very good title.” Michelle said.

 

“Where is Ling, anyway?” asked Michelle, “I started to think she was living here.”

“Ling, umm, may have had a few too many vodka tonics last night, I got a butt-dial from her after the wedding-and oh my god!” Maddie broke down giggling. She continued to speak, however, Ling decided it was better to edit her own voice over the obviously untrue aspirations Maddie cast on her character for something she was sure the audience would appreciate more.

“I just want to take the time to say that Ling is so smart, and amazing, and sometimes I forget how much I owe her for being the bestest friend I could ever have,” said Ling!Maddie. On screen Michelle gave Maddie a scornful look and gentle swat on the shoulder.

Maddie finished without Ling’s voiceover, “…so she might need to sleep that one off.” The camera zoomed in on a still frame of Maddie’s face which now had devil horns and a moustache drawn on it.

“Speaking of the wedding, my sister Michelle is here to tell us all about what happened. Say hi, Michelle.”

“Hi,” she said, waving nervously at the camera.

“So…” pressed Maddie.

“So…?” replied Michelle.

“You’re really not gonna talk about this, are you?” Michelle just looked down at her folded hands and smiled.

“Fine,” said Maddie, and she got up and went into Michelle’s room.

“Where are you going? No, hey, what are you doing? Don’t go into my room.” Michelle followed Maddie and watched her rummage around her closet. “Why are you putting on my sweater? …Oh, that’s cute on you. You should wear that.” Maddie marched back to her seat wearing Michelle’s red sweater. She grabbed the hairband off of Michelle’s head ignoring Michelle’s, “What are you…?”

Maddie put on a soft light tone, imitating her sister. “Oh. My. God. I had the most amazing night. Every guy ever wanted to dance with me. But Feliciano, or Feli, as I like to call him, stole my heart. We danced together almost all night. It was like the stormy clouds of loneliness parted and his face was the sun, shining happiness down into my life,” Maddie!Michelle concluded wistfully.

“I would never say that,” Michelle said smiling.

“You would so say that, Miss I-Heart-Rainbows-And-Puppies-And-Gosh-Isn’t-Life-Grand!”

Maddie impersonated Michelle once more, “Don’t you think we make just the cutest couple?”

Michelle scoffed, poking Maddie’s arm. “Okay.” She got up and started rummaging around Maddie’s laundry.

“What are you…?”

“Okay,” she said again, putting on one of Maddie’s plaid shirts.

“Oh. Alright,” said Maddie. This would be interesting, pretending to be each other while saying what they really wanted to say, an interesting twist to Costume Theatre.

Michelle started off impersonating Maddie, “He is very handsome, Maddie-I mean Michelle. Michelle. But I would prefer to say something more mocking and bitter, soo…” she struggled for a moment trying to find something mocking and/or bitter, but as she didn’t have a mean bone in her body, she settled for, “yep, pretend I did that.”

Maddie still impersonating Michelle said, “Oh, Maddie, you’re so silly! But you know who else I spent a lot of time with? Feli’s sister, Caterina. She’s so wonderful and clever. I wish she was my sister.”

Michelle!Maddie said, “You and Feliciano did hit it off rather well. Maybe she will be your sister some day an be less mocking than your current sisters.” Ouch, well played Michelle.

“Or maybe we’ll just date for a little while, get our sexy times on, that kind of thing.”

“Maybe. And maybe that will lead to something more pure and wholesome.”

“Though it’s not like me to speak so hastily of commitment, especially with a man that my mother picked out and practically stalked for me and my sisters,” Maddie!Michelle said.

“No, but sometimes things just happen and who knows? Maybe this is just meant to be.” Maddie was suddenly aware that they were no longer pretending to be each other but rather saying what they had been bursting to say to each other since the wedding the night before.

Then Michelle put a toe over the line, “Ludwig was there too, why don’t we talk about him, Michelle.”

“…And we’re done.”

Monday April 23, 2012  
A Twitter exchange between Maddie Kirkland and Ling Wang

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

Hey @thelingway, you awake yet?

9:00pm- Apr 23, 2012  
1 comment

Ling Way  
@thelingway

@glowinghearts Yeah- What’s up?

9:09pm- Apr 23, 2012

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

.@thelingway need to talk to you about your clever ‘edits’.

9:12pm- Apr 23, 2012  
3 likes

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@glowinghearts Gotta get dinner, talk later! …PEACE #StillLame

9:15pm- Arp 23, 2012

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

Suuuure. You are so lucky I love you so much. “@glowinghearts Gotta get dinner, talk later! …PEACE #StillLame”

9:24pm- Apr 23, 2012

 

Tuesday April 24, 2012: Private Diary Entry 7

I’m feeling a little…bad today. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but there’s just an overwhelming sense of unease.

This is what happens when Ling goes out of town.

She called me yesterday after the latest video posted and asked me to cover for her at discussion group this week- there was a family emergency she had to deal with. As the world’s best bestie, I am taking on all her grad student responsibilities (thankfully I still have Tuesday morning study period), while doing all the filming for the videos by myself.

On the plus side, the last video I posted had the most views yet-likely a combination of the fact that I mercilessly teased Michelle about how she met Feli at the wedding and the fact that I accidentally showed my boobs (thanks again for being hungover, Ling).

And I think that’s why I have been feeling bad of late. Not about my boobs, but about Michelle, and the merciless teasing. She’s just been so…happy. And yes, Michelle is normally quite happy. But this is different-at least it is to me, since I know her so well. There’s an inner glow, a quickness to blush. Humming under her breath.

Am I wrong in thinking this is a little quick? She just met Feli. Less than three days ago. There is way too much we don’t know about him for Michelle to be thinking of him this much.

But don’t tell my mom that. She’s got them married off already. And while Michelle would usually have the presence of mind to gently stop Mom’s imagination from speeding like a runaway freight train, this time she’s just…going along with it.

Take this morning. Michelle was running late for work, a job she LOVES, but didn’t blink when Mom stopped her from heading out the door and asked her if she know what Feli’s favourite food was.

“Hmm, well he likes pasta, not sure what kind. We haven’t talked about food,” Michelle said. And by the look on her face, I could tell she was wondering if she should know what kind of food he likes.

“Well, let me know when you do,” my mother said. “I want to practice recipes before ‘ee comes over for dinner.”

“Whoa- Feli’s coming over for dinner?” I asked.

“Well, no- not yet,” my mother conceded. Then she gave Michelle a coy, teasing look. “But sooner or later ‘ee’ll be eating ‘ere. Dinner. Breakfast. Thanksgiving.”

All I want to do was slap my forehead and beg my mother to pull up on the reins, but Michelle just gave a little laugh, and shook her head, before waving good-bye on her way out the door.

I remind you, Michelle and Feli met three days ago. All they have done since then is texted a little. And my mother is ready to welcome him into the family.

I wonder what Michelle is thinking. Is she being biased by Mom? Mom, who is so eager to love a rich potential son-in-law that she’s blind to all his faults (whatever they may be) and pushing her daughter into a currently nonexistent relationship?

It makes me wonder what would happen if we were not forced to live at home.

“Forced” is perhaps too strong a word, but circumstances certainly require it. Michelle doesn’t make enough money at her entry-level job to take her student loans out of deferment, let alone pay rent and utilities somewhere. She’s lucky she makes enough to keep her junker of a car running.

And I moved back in when, after four years of living on my own for undergrad, I got accepted to the grad school with the best communications program…within driving distance of my parents’ house (luckily, my car is less of a junker-I bought it off of Dad when I went away to college with three years’ worth of summer job money.) Considering the student loans I had already amassed, I traded in my independence for some small relief.

I have another year left before I have to start paying off the stellar education my penchant for studying and learning bought me, and the prospect scares me to bits.

Since Alicia only goes to community college, her expenses are admittedly less, but he still doesn’t have any money coming in-just money going out. (She also doesn’t have a car, and has to share with Mom and beg rides off of everyone else.) In some parts of the world, we would have been left to our own devices the second we turned legal, so it’s actually really good of our parents to let us continue to live at home.

But if we didn’t? If we were able to be as adult in reality as we are in age…maybe Michelle wouldn’t be taking the prospect of Feli so seriously. Maybe she’d be able to keep it casual with him, without the constant reminder of our mother’s expectations. Without the pressure cooker of five adults living on top of one another with only one bathroom, and being unavoidably mixed up in each other’s business at all times.

Sometimes it feels like a prison. But it’s the prison I know.

Hence the merciless teasing of Michelle in my last video. (I can be passive-aggressive at times. I do get some things from my mother). I really should apologize. I really should try to be more open-minded about Feli. Michelle knows what she feels, right?

But then again, Michelle is a lot stronger than she looks. When I teased her about Feli, she started teasing me about Beilschmidt, and now that’s all the commenters want me to talk about. They think I “met” someone at the wedding. Someone that my mother may one day invite over for dinner, breakfast, and Thanksgiving.

Ha, ha, no. Sorry viewers. I’ll simply have to tell them about what he said to Feli about me, and put his prickishness front and center. That will get them off the scent. And no, I’m not at all worried about impugning the character of a douchebag on the Internet. After all, I’m just going to say what actually happened.

 

Wednesday April 25, 2012  
A Twitter exchange between Feliciano Vargas, Ludwig Beilschmidt, and Caterina Vargas

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

that moment when you realize you’re just happy #beautifulday

12:39pm- Apr 25, 2012  
1 comment, 5 retweets, 15 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt out shopping for non-hideous furniture with @felilovespasta. He will not shut up about you-know-you. Please come and rescue me.

2:10pm- Apr 25, 2012  
3 retweets, 3 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup have calls lined up for most of the afternoon. But I can meet you for dinner. Please find a non-family style establishment.

2:19pm- Apr 25, 2012  
11 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt do they have those here?

2:28pm- Apr 25, 2012  
2 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup I think I speak for us all when I say doubtful.

2:37pm- Apr 25, 2012  
9 retweets, 17 likes

 

Uploaded Thursday April 26, 2012  
Episode 6: Snobby Mr. Douchey

“As any of you who watched my last video with Michelle already know, I recently had the absolute pleasure of meeting Feli Vargas’ friend and house guest, Ludwig Beilschmidt. “Absolute” isn’t the right word…it was more of a grotesque, nauseating, run away as if your life depended on it pleasure.

“Beilschmidt is so obnoxious I can’t tell if I like Feli now or if he just seems awesome by comparison. Beilschmidt’s boring, stuffy, unbelievably rude… he thinks he’s too good for us “common folk.” But he’s HANDSOME and RICH, even richer than Feliciano Vargas! Oh, dilemma, dilemma! But you wanna know what the coup de grace is? Even my mother hated him.

 

“My name is Maddie Kirkland, and Ludwig Beilschmidt is a snob.

 

“I just can’t properly express what an infuriating douchebag this guy is. Just because you’re rich and heir to some kind of German entertainment empire does not mean you’re better than everyone else! He probably uses his money to lounge around all day in five thousand dollar boxers watching documentaries with people he pays to be his friends since no sane human being could ever actually put up with him. I mean, what does he DO with his life?” Maddie was aware that she was talking about a guy that, in his mid-twenties, already owned a large international company. She was a student complaining about him online. Maddie, at this moment, felt the inexplicable need to defend her own life.

“I mean, I do things with my life! I read…study…I play hockey…I mean, I u-used to play hockey…I have a video blog!

“…Whatever.”

“And since I’m all about the drama~” Maddie waited for a moment, hoping to start costume theatre but her partner for that day was taking way too long to get ready. How hard is it to put on a head mirror?

“Alicia!”

“I’m not ready yet!”

“Oh, come on!” Maddie stumped across the hall to Alicia’s room, “Get your ass out here!”

Alicia sat wearing the Feli costume with head mirror and stethoscope, now complete with a brown pipecleaner curl pinned to the side of her head. While Maddie wore the only things that stood out to her about Beilschmidt’s wardrobe that night: a bow tie and a newsie cap.

“This dance is super slammin’! So is that Michelle Bonnefoy. I wanna bang the sh** outta her,” Alicia said, in Maddie figured was an attempt to impersonate Feliciano Vargas. She hadn’t even attempted an Italian accent. Maddie stared as Alicia went on, “Are there any hot chicks you’d like to slip your man banana into, Ludwig, my homie?”

Maddie continued to stare at her.

“What, that’s totally how guys talk!”

Maddie decided it was probably best to just let that slide. “Zis dance is preposterous. I hate dancing. It’s a vaste of time, like zaying nice zings to people. Many of zese people zeem to be enjoying popular music unironically. Besides, none of zese girls stand up to my ridiculous standards,” Maddie!Ludwig said in dull monotone.

“What about Michelle’s sister Maddie? I know she’s not THAT great-lookin’, but you could do worse. I bet she could use a good sexcapade; she probably hasn’t gotten laid in YEARS and those are freaky ones.” Maddie was now deeply regretting letting Alicia play the part of Feli.

“You found zee only pretty girl at zis vedding, even if she smiles too much. I dislike smiling; it contorts zee face.”

“Yeah. On second thought, Maddie Kirkland is kind of a dog. No wonder she’s perpetually single. You’d be better hooking up with her younger, sexier sister, Alicia. Now she’s a catch,” said Alicia!Feli. Yes, next time Alicia would be getting a script.

That was about as much of Alicia, Maddie could take for one day. She kicked out her so she could finish the video in peace.

“So there you have it! Ludwig Beilschmidt, total snob, in a somewhat true to life portrayal.”

Alicia ran back into the room to interject, “’Cause I’m all about the true to life, bitches! You want the real story, you ask the A-lesh-yah!” Alicia flipped her hair dramatically and began posing in different positions for the audience.

“I need more friends,” said Maddie. One of Alicia’s hair flips tossed her blonde hair into Maddie’s face. “…and less sisters!”

“What’s wrong with you?” Maddie couldn’t help asking as Alicia continued to flaunt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know gay marriage was legalized in the United States until 2015, but fuck that shit amirite?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Maddie worries over how quickly Michelle and Feliciano's relationship is moving, and in which her audience can't get enough of Beilschmidt.

Chapter 4 April 28-May 4

Saturday April 29, 2012: Private Diary Entry 8

Comment from *****: Maddie your impression of Ludwig is hilarious! More please!  
Comment from *****: Ludwig can't be that bad. Come on, really?  
Comment from *****: More Ludwig! Hahahaha!

Jeez, more Beilschmidt? That's all the want? Me to talk about a wedding that took place a week ago now? I have other things going on in my life, you know. I have school, and finals coming up, and…okay, I guess just more school-but that's important to me! Beilschmidt is most certainly not important to me.

Things that are important to me:  
· 45% family/Ling  
· 35% school/video project  
· 15% creating a fulfilling career upon graduation  
· 4% getting my hair to not look weird  
· .9997% ice cream!  
· .0003% that douchebag who danced with me at a wedding one time

Honestly, I would rather just forget him. Hope and pray that our paths cross a little as possible while he visits Feli and not at all thereafter. But then I think about my audience- the semi-large one (and growing!) that I weirdly have now. Do I make it clear to them just how awful he was? After all, I still haven't detailed the Most Awkward Dance Ever(TM Ling Wang, but I'm stealing it) on air yet. Surely, that would make them realize how awful he is. Or is that just feeding the beast? And is feeding the beast something I want to do?

Ugh, I wish Ling were here. She would help.

…Fine. You want more Beilschmidt, people? You get him.

Sunday April 29, 2012

A Twitter exchange between Caterina Vargas, Feliciano Vargas, and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt please fly back ASAP. It's like cute fuzzy bunnies all the time. I swear @felilovespasta is going to break out into song.

5:40pm- Apr 29, 2012  
5 retweets, 5 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup and we can't have that now, can we?

5:57pm- Apr 29, 2012  
1 retweet, 3 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt hells no.

6:02pm- Apr 29, 2012

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup can't make it back until the weekend. Try to keep any musical numbers under wraps until then.

6:14pm- Apr 29, 2012  
1 comment, 2 retweet, 7 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

is developing an interest in fashion.

6:25pm- Apr 20, 2012  
2 comments, 17 retweets, 69 likes

 

Uploaded April 30, 2012  
Episode 7: The Most Awkward Dance Ever

"In my last video some of you thought I went a little…Dramatic on Beilschmidt. And though it may have seemed a bit harsh, in this video I'm going to tell you a story.

"A story of a wedding. A painful wedding. Where a man and a woman were forced to dance together because of some stupid binding tradition forced upon us by the parents of the grooms that should be banned for all time!

"So if you haven't guessed it yet. Yeah. I caught the bouquet. And guess what stuck up, pompous, prick caught the other one? Yeah…

 

"My name is Maddie Kirkland and this is the story of the most awkward dance ever!

 

"So you're all probably wondering, "How did this ridiculous set of circumstances happen?" Oh trust me; I am too. I was standing against the wall, minding my own business. Well, really I was watching Feli and Michelle dance song after song. And then watched my mom pump her fists so that everyone else in the world knew of her unbridled success."

Here, Maddie donned her shawl, pearls, and sunhat and said in a French accent, "Maddie, 'oo is zat dancing with Feli Vargas, the rich, new neighbour, 'oo's studying to be a doctor?"

"For the tenth time it's your eldest, most perfect daughter Michelle."

"Zis is zee 'appiest day of my life!"

"What about the day you married dad? Or the day your daughters were born?"

"Non, it's today!"

"You see at that point I was okay. I mean not totally thrilled but okay. But then came time for the bouquet toss, or as it is to my mother: her last, best hope to match off one of single, pathetic daughters… I didn't so much catch it as prevent it from smashing into my face. But I figured my mom probably paid off Hercules Karpusi to throw it directly at me. I wonder how much my misery is worth to my mother…

"So anyway fast forward. Beilschmidt's standing as far away from the clump of bachelors as possible. To allow for minimal chance of interaction with other humans. Yet somehow mustered the hospitality to catch Kiku's bouquet. After it hit him in the chest.

"So there we were! Forcing smiles, for the dog and stuck-up pony show. Or should that be the stuck-up dog and pony show?

"But that Beilschmidt, what a charmer! Stone, freaking statue. Like, can't you just imagine fake happiness and force a smile? Ugh, so there's me, being the lady, following his lead…more like swaying to his sway…It was like he was trying to hear the crickets in the next county! When I asked him if he actually liked it here in town…"

"Not especially," said Maddie!Ludwig.

"Do you enjoy dancing?"

"Not if I can help it," he deadpanned.

"Glad to rock your world there Beilschmidt! So the dance ends. I swayed. He snobbed. And he actually thanked me for the dance. So then I head back to my wall, where Ling is waiting. I give her the lowdown, we laugh, and then we head outside. And that's when I hear him talking to Feli."

"You vere dancing with zee only tolerable girl in zee room. So stop vasting your time with me. Sure, Madeline's decent enough, but vhy vould I continue to dance with her ven no one else does?"

The anger and frustration she felt that night came bubbling back to the surface. It left Maddie a stuttering mess.

"I mean it-Who is he to-I mean…I'm not even going to give him the satisfaction. Well Mr. Beilschmidt I hope it's not too lonely on the pedestal you put yourself on. It's safe to say I like you even less than you like me. Maddie Kirkland: Decent Enough!"

 

Tuesday May 1, 2012: Private Diary Entry 9

I got my Ling back! I picked her up at the bus stop today. She'd been in Fresno (glorious Fresno!) for the past week.

"Why Fresno?" I asked the second she got into the car, hugging her. "Why did you abandon me in my hour of need?"

"You mean why did I abandon you in your hour of needing someone to help you film videos to go take care of my cousin who landed in the hospital?"

"Well, when you put it like that…"

Ling had a close relationship with her cousin ever since she was little, and they ended up bonding on a family trip to China when Ling was eight. Her cousin even helps pay for Ling's school, which is good because her family is in even worse straights than mine.

"How's cousin Im Yong doing, anyway?"

"He's better," Ling said. "The timing couldn't have been much worse, though."

"What do you mean?"

She waved her hand dismissively, "Just that missing school with finals looming is not ideal, that's all. How much make-up stuff do I have to do, anyway?"

I fill her in on the papers and other assignments that got handed out in her absence. I took over our discussion group, so luckily she doesn't have the annoying busywork of grading freshman essays. I feel like something is going on with Ling that she's not telling me. But if Ling doesn't want to talk about something, it doesn't get discussed. Seriously, when she got her first kiss in ninth grade, she didn't tell me. And it wasn't because she thought I'd be jealous- I'd gotten my first kiss the year before in a harrowing game of spin the bottle and lorded it over her, as one is wont to do. She just didn't think it warranted a conversation. So she decided to not talk about it.

Thus, I've decided that Ling was not off visiting her cousin-a cousin who, by the way, knows how much school means to Ling. Heck, said cousin is helping to pay for it. There is now way he would condone the removal from her studies for a week. No, I've decided Ling was having a torrid holiday with a tall, dark, and handsome stranger. That's my headcanon, at least.

But when Ling doesn't want to talk about stuff, she just turns the conversation to another topic. Which she did then, with supreme skill, before I could ask her anything cropping up in my suspicious mind.

"So how's Ludwig?"

I nearly swerved off the road. "What?"

"Ludwig. You know, the guy you've made the last three videos about."

"I have not," I protested, but it was admittedly weak.

"Uh-huh. Why are you spending so much time talking about a guy who you met once, at a wedding, ten days ago?"

My bestie sure knows how to cut to the core of the…everything.

"I-the comments-" I tried. "It's all everyone wants me to talk about!"

"They're your videos, Maddie. If you don't want to talk about him, don't."

"But the audience expectation-"

"You can't just give them candy, Maddie. You have to control your content. Take back the videos-talk about what you want to talk about." Ling looked at me, peering over the top of her sunglasses. "Now if you wanted to talk about Ludwig-"

"I vehemently do not." Except maybe one more time. Just to clarify that I don't want to talk about him, of course.

"Fine."

We then let the radio take over. The best thing about a best friend is that there isn't always this burning need to fill the silence. Instead we can just sit together in the car and sing along to the radio, neither of us caring how off-key we are.

And it was on the incredibly high, unsingable part of "Defying Gravity" (there's nothing wrong with a deep love of show tunes) that we happened to pull up to a stoplight right in front of Michelle's work. They have a pretty, quaint storefront on our town's pretty, quaint downtown main street. (Every time I walk by, I want to make over my bedroom with embroidered throw pillows and my closet with fashion-forward silhouettes.) Michelle, as the lowest man on the totem pole, does a lot of driving to go fetch samples of fabrics and shots of espresso. Which it seems she had just done, because we saw her pulling bags of material out of the trunk of her car.

Or rather, one Mr. Feliciano Vargas was pulling bags out of the car, eager to help. Behind him stood a sour-faced Beilschmidt and Caterina, at a distance. Caterina had shopping bags in hand. Feli held up a fabric-laden hand to his friends, indicating they should wait, and followed my sister into the store.

I watched them in the rear view until I couldn't watch them anymore. Or rather, until the light turned green and the Ford Fiesta behind me honked and made me drive.

"He probably ran into her on the sidewalk," Ling said.

"Probably," I agreed. What else is a rich guy summering in a new town supposed to do but wander the stretch of street between the yogurt shop and independent movie theater that happens to include my sister's place of work. "Or he could be stalking her."

"Yes, because you always stalk someone with your sister and friend in tow."

Well, yeah, but…fine. Point to Ling.

"It was awfully nice of him to help her carry all that stuff in," she continued.

"Or it'll undermine the way her superiors at work perceive her, if she can't even carry in a couple of shopping bags by herself."

Ling just stared at me, straight-faced. "Grasping at straws does not become you, Maddie Kirkland."

The thing is, I don't think I'm grasping at straws. Or, more accurately, I should be grasping at straws. If there is a single straw that ends up being questionable about Feli, I need to find it-because my mother sure won't. And Michelle…Michelle thinks the best of everyone. She's going to think especially best of a guy she happens to like.

Of course, the obvious question to ask is what is a guy like Feli doing in a hamlet like ours? Shouldn't he be in the big city, moving and shaking with the people who will be coming to him for nose jobs once he's out of med school?

Maybe he's running from a deep, dark family secret?

Oh, maybe he's committed a crime and is on the lam! (Although, who brings his sister and douchebag best bud on the lam?)

But seriously, what prompts an otherwise seemingly normal single guy in his twenties to up and buy a house in the middle of nowhere?

Someone has to play devil's advocate. And that someone might as well be me right now. And yes, so far, Feli seems okay. But how okay can a guy be when he's best friends with a guy like Beilschmidt?

 

Uploaded Thursday May 3, 2012  
Episode 8: Ling's Back!

Ling leaned back from the camera, "…See? No boob close-ups."

"Or you could have edited that part out," Maddie said, annoyed.

"People like the DIY look. The video feels more authentic when it's not too polished."

"Didn't you draw devil horns on me?"

Ling froze, "And you're on!"

 

"Uhh my name is Maddie Kirkland and…Ling's back!"

 

"Why don't you tell the lovely audience where you were, Ling?" Maddie kept bringing up Ling's trip in the hopes that she could discern the real reason Ling seemed to be hiding from her. So far, no luck.

"You know, uh, family stuff."

"Family stuff? That's code for torrid affair, right?"

"No, it's code for: my cousin got sick."

"Sure it is."

"Would you get back on script? No one cares about my cousin," Ling said uncomfortably, moving back to behind the camera.

"Script? We seem super authentic now! Anyhow, starting over, things are finally starting to get back to normal after the big Karpusi wedding. Or as normal as they can be when your older sister is contemplating an arranged marriage."

"Over drama much?" Ling said, plunking herself down once again.

"My mother picked out the man she wants my sister to marry. That's not normal."

"By that definition, friends setting you up on a blind date is an arranged marriage."

"Except in this case, you can replace friend with crazy mother."

Ling frowned, "What's wrong with Feli? I mean, besides the fact that your mother likes him."

"Well, he's-" Maddie broke off, searching for some aspiration to cast on his character.

Here, Ling decided in editing that it was time to take matter into her own hands. In a voiceover she says, "Hey Maddie, do not taunt the girl who does your post-production."

She took the opportunity when Maddie was busy with her mother downstairs to sneak up and film the real problem Maddie has with Feli, cutting it into the middle of the video.

"Hey everyone, Maddie's having a bit of a crisis because her sister Michelle actually likes the guy her mother wants her to marry. A guy who, it turns out, is actually pleasant, and nice, and funny, but that Maddie had already made up her mind to hate. And Maddie hates changing her mind."

With that out of the way, Maddie continues from the earlier footage. "Anyway the true brain-bender of the week is that despite how rich, handsome, and single he is, my mom is not trying to use the most awkward dance ever to marry me off to Beilschmidt.

"Which is still, by the way, a totally stupid and pretentious name. So it suits him perfectly.

"But normally, that would not be an impediment for mom insisting that he's perfect for me." Maddie was determined to make it abundantly clear that she absolutely no interest in Beilschmidt, despite what her audience might insinuate otherwise.

"Hey Ling, did you tell my mom what we heard Beilschmidt say at the wedding?"

"I told her I heard him say that this town was never a place he could possibly enjoy."

"No, the thing about me."

Ling rolled her eyes and sighed in frustration. "Would you rather she was trying to get you two together?" She asked sharply, "Because I could tell her that I heard Feli tell Mrs. Karpusi how painfully shy Ludwig is. And how glad he is she invited him because Ludwig's been here for weeks and this is the first time he's met anyone."

Maddie looked at Ling, stunned. "He said that?"

Ling nodded. Maddie took a moment to process this information and how it lined up with all her experience with Beilschmidt. She finally came to a conclusion.

"Well I don't care! Beilschmidt is still stuckup, humourless, and the worst dance partner ever. And not friendly. He spent the whole night lurking by the back wall. If you dislike people that much, you should bail on the party."

Ling shook her head in exasperation, "You were also spending almost the whole evening clinging to the darkest wall you could find."

"No! I sat by the wall to prove a point to my mother. He did it because he think's he's better than everyone else. It's totally different."

Ling continued to look sceptical.

"It is," Maddie insisted.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an invitation is sent out.

Chapter 5 May 5-May 11

Uploaded Saturday May 5, 2012

Questions and Answers #1 (ft. Alicia Kirkland)

"Hey everyone! Thank you for watching my video diaries, so far. And thank you for asking so many great questions; I can't believe this many people find my life interesting.

"So to show my extreme gratitude I'm going to answer some of those awesome questions right here, right now.

 

"My name is Maddie Kirkland and this is Maddie Answers Questions! Maddie Spits the Truth! Maddie Explains it All...What the heck to I call these things?"

 

"Lets get right to it. From Natalia on YouTube, "What is it that you want to do after grad school?"

"Well, I'm studying mass communications, so any of the ways that we as a culture disseminate information broadly: TV, film, radio, advertising, newpapers…but YouTube, now YouTube fascinates me.

"From Tino on YouTube: "Hooray! Michelle is such a sweetheart! What about your dad, though? Will we ever meet him?"

"Having my dad on would mean having to tell him, which would mean having to tell my mom, which would be HORRIFYING!"

"From Antonio on Tumblr: "Don't you think your mother's focus on a husband is at least the littlest bit sexist?"

"In her case, less sexist than Palaeozoic. I'd like to think that if I had brothers she'd be just as focused on finding them wives. Moms: gotta love 'em."

From Emil: "Maddie Kirkland, are you going to be at VidCon?"

"I think so. I hope so. I just wish I knew someone who could give me a ticket." Maddie winked.

From Raivis: "Why do your sisters have different surnames?"

"I was wondering when this would get asked. When my mom and dad got married they decided to keep their respective surnames, Bonnefoy and Kirkland. Now-ready for the twist? Michelle is actually from mom's previous relationship! Which explains the differences in skin tone. But Michelle's known dad since the day she was born, so for all intents and purposes, he's dad. But she kept mom's surname anyway."

From Antonio on Tumblr: "Who's your favourite author?"

"I'm a graduate student. My favourite author is anyone who can make their argument in less than fifty pages without mentioning "hermeneutics" or "socially constructed" anything!"

From Berwald on YouTube: "Alicia is excitable, inexperience, and easily led astray. That, to me, says 'party girl' more than 'slut'. Maddie, your college education is making you a tad judgemental or preparing you for a career on Fox."

"Whoa!" Maddie held up her hands defensively. "Listen, I'm not opposed to responsible, smart, safe women doing what ever they like in the bedroom with whomever they like. I just hope Alicia becomes one of those women…soon."

From Basch on YouTube: "Are those Hunger Games books on your shelf?"

"Yup." She held up the book to show them all. "And may the odds be ever in your favour!"

From Sadik on Tumblr: "We all get that you don't want to marry someone because he's rich, but I was wondering, what DO you look for in guys? You seem like the type who'd like to be respected and treated as an equal, but I was wondering."

"OF COURSE I want to be respected and treated as and equal, who wouldn't? Uh, I also want someone intelligent whom I can have a lively debate with and, um, who knows what he wants in the world and isn't afraid to go after it."

From Irina on YouTube: "Love your vids! Just wondering how old Alicia and Michelle are."

"I'm not sure if they want me to reveal their ages to the entire interwebs, but, uh, let's see. I think Alicia's home.

"Hey Alicia?" Maddie called.

"What?" came Alicia's voice from across the hall.

"How old are you?"

"…How old do I need to be?"

Maddie shook her head and raised her eyes to the ceiling, "N-no, I'm asking because someone had a question-"

Maddie was cut off by Alicia bursting into the room and plopping down next to her, shoving a little card under Maddie's nose. "Because seriously, I just got my new IDs and they are GREAT!"

Maddie took the card and read, "Amelia Jones…TWENTY-SIX?"

"Shh!" Alicia put one finger over Maddie's mouth, and one finger over her own, "A proper lady never reveals her age." She winked.

"Okay, where're we going? Because I have got some SERIOUS cabin fever and this girl needs to get her groooooove back~" Alicia started dancing on the spot to non-existent music.

"Uh, no, ha. No, you misunderstand. We're not going anywhere."

There was a pause as Alicia stared hard at her sister. "What?" she said.

Then, "WHAT?" Alicia glared at Maddie in disbelief and disgust.

"Um…Can you go away now? Please?" Maddie said tentatively as her sister continued to glare. "…Please?" Maddie tried again.

Alicia snatched back her ID card, making an 'I'll be watching you' motion with two fingers before stumping from the room.

"Oookay," Maddie said, turning back to the camera. "That's all for today. Thank you all for watching, for asking great questions, for sharing with your friends, for liking, for subscribing, and you can ask me more questions on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Google Plus, and of course, right here on YouTube, all of those links in the doobly-doo below."

Saturday May 5, 2012

A Twitter conversation between Ludwig Beilschmidt, Feliciano Vargas, and Caterina Vargas

Feliciano Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup would you tell @bschmidt that he has nothing to worry about

6:46pm- May 5, 2012  
2 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt you have nothing to worry about

6:49pm- May 5, 2012  
1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta what is he worrying about?

6:50pm- May 5, 2012  
2 likes

Feliciano Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup he says I'm being too impulsive

6:52pm- May 5, 2012  
3 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta shocker

6:54pm- May 5, 2012  
1 like

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

back me up @romanitup. He's going to regret it.

6:57pm-May 5, 2012  
1 comment, 1 retweet, 1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt regret what?

7:00pm- May 5, 2012  
2 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup not what. who

7:03pm-May 5, 2012  
4 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt I wouldn't worry too much

7:06pm- May 5, 2012  
1 like

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup you wouldn't?

7:07pm-May 5, 2012  
2 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt Have you seen anything to show that the feelings are reciprocated?

7:09pm- May 5, 2012  
4 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup It's hard to tell what people think sometimes.

7:11pm-May 5, 2012  
5 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt no. it's really not. you just have to look.

7:12pm- May 5, 2012  
1 like

Feliciano Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup @bschmidt would you two please quite talking about me on Twitter. It's embarrassing.

7:13pm- May 5, 2012  
6 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta I've seen and heard things far more embarrassing lately.

7:15pm-May 5, 2012  
4 retweets, 4 likes

Feliciano Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt you mean like you, trying to dance?

7:16pm- May 5, 2012  
6 retweets, 14 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

Ouch! RT @felilovespasta: @bschmidt you mean like you, trying to dance?

7:16pm- May 5, 2012  
2 retweets, 2 like

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta Touché

7:18pm-May 5, 2012  
6 likes

Saturday May 5, 2012  
Private Diary Entry 10

If there was one benefit to having my sister in the opening steps of the love dance with a rich guy, you would think it would be that my mother would be satisfied by it. That she would allow herself to sit back and sigh with a deep contentedness and raise a mint julep to the fruits of her machinations.

But no.

All it means is that she has more time to focus her zeal on her remaining daughters.

Take dinner last night.

"Do you zink Feli 'as friends at zat medical school of 'is?" my mom asked as she spooned out a serving of lasagne that probably took her nine hours to prepare.

"I would imagine so," my father said, not looking up from his plate. "Most young people enjoy interaction with other young people with similar interests, I'm told."

"Per'aps Michelle can convince 'im to 'ave some of zem visit zis summer," my mom mused. Micelle is currently to dinner with said Mr. Vargas, and my mother's imagination is in overdrive because of it. "Better ones zan zat disagreeable Ludwig Beilschmidt," she continued. She still hadn't forgiven him for the way he was rude to her at the wedding (and me, if she had known about it). I consider it on of life's small blessings.

My mom left her last sentence hanging in midair. I locked eyes with Alicia across the table. Neither of us wanted to be the one to take the bait. My father knew better than to do so, too. But then again, when had my mother ever needed conversational prompting?

"'Ee could make it a party. It would be wonderful if you girls could meet some nice young men. Before it's too late."

"Too late?" Alicia snorted. "Mom, I'm, like, twenty." I kick her under the table. It's just the sort of opening our mother is angling for.

"Zere 'ave been studies done, Alicia. Oh, yes! Studies." She said that last word reverently, as if the information she was about to impart would be life changing. "Zey say zat by zee time you graduate college, you 'ave more zan likely already met your life mate."

"Well, it was certainly true of you, dear," my father said, between mouthfuls of lasagne.

"And I still have a couple of years." Alicia smirked. "You're screwed, though," she said to me.

I wisely kept silent.

"When I was your age, Maddie, I was already pregnant with Michelle. Time is ticking. Did you know zere is a 'igher chance of getting killed by a terrorist zan a woman getting married after thirty?" my mother continued, enjoying having the table in her thrall.

"Did you know your data is specious and you're citing an article that is thirty years old, which has been disproven a dozen times since then?" I couldn't help it. Sometimes, the research monster in me comes out.

But my mother just clucked her tongue.

"I never did understand your humour, Maddie."

"Well, if my choice is death by terrorist or hasty marriage to someone I already know in the hopes of staving off singlehood, I choose Option C."

"Option C?"

"Yes. Where I have a successful career, a healthy disposable income, and a close group of single friends with whom I can travel the world."

"You would deny me grandchildren?" My mother's voice quavered, hinting at the threat of tears. Which I think they taught her how to do in Sophisticated European Lady School.

"Oh, no!" I grin at my dad, who is trying to hold his own smile in. "Once I'm established in my career, have paid back my loans…There's always artificial insemination."

I fully expected my mother to explode. But instead, she just took a deep, steadying breath and continued spooning out lasagne.

"You may not even have Option C, Maddie." Her voice became hushed, as if she were telling a horror story around a campfire. "You know you Aunt Caitlin started menopause when she was forty."

The thing is, my mother believed deeply every false fact she spouted at dinner. She is legitimately worried that I will end up a spinster, at the age of twenty-four. It keeps her up at night.

As divorced from reality as she it, I don't want to be the reason my mother can't sleep.

So I spent my Saturday morning at the library, researching data and statistics about modern marriage- and it turns out that no, at twenty-four, I am not statically likely to die sad and alone. In face, the chances that I will have a more substantial relationship and stable children go up if I marry later.

I came home today ready to present these facts to my mother, in the hopes they would assuage her feelings and maybe, you know, get her to back off the marriage train just a smidge. But before I could approach her, Alicia blocked me from entering the kitchen.

"Um, hey, Maddie. Whatcha doing?"

"I was going to talk to mom."

"Uh-huh, cool…Wanna go to the mall?"

"No, not really," Alicia was literally standing in the kitchen doorway, impeding my path.

"Well, I do. Drive me, okay?"

Then I heard a sob. Not a short, swallowed thing, either. A long, mournful wail, the wail of the severely disappointed.

"What's going on?" I asked as I tried to peer around her.

"Nothing!" Alicia said brightly. "If you drive me to the mall, I'll go with you to that boring British movie you want to see. Come on, let's go! Now!"

"Mom?" I called out. "What's wrong?"

"No, Maddie, don't go in there! Trust me!" Alicia tried to pull me back. When I shot her a look, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine, don't say I didn't try to warn you. The mall would have been better."

I dropped my bag on the floor. I found my mom in tears, sitting at the kitchen table. "Mom, did something happen?"

"Oh, Maddie, eet's zee most 'orried zing." She took a deep breath. "Mrs. Von Brock from across zee street…she's spending zee summer in Florida with 'er new boyfriend."

"Okaaay…" I said. My mom and Mrs. Von Brock were friendly, but they weren't exceptionally close.

"She came over to ask"-sniffle-"to ask us to water 'er plants until 'er son Eduard comes to town."

"Okaaay…" I tried again. Ling and I had gone to grade school with Eduard Von Brock. His parents had gotten divorced when we were in middle school, and they decided to have Eduard live full time with his dad in Estonia. We only saw Eduard for a couple of weeks in the summers after that. But he had been memorable, if only because he was so annoying.

"But eet might be a little while before Eduard gets 'ere because she said 'ee's starting a business…and 'ee's just gotten engaged!"

Oh. Oh, dear.

"If Mrs. Von Brock's dick'eaded son can find someone, zat's one less person for you!" (I flinched when she said "dickheaded." I didn't know she even had that in her vocabulary. But desperate times call for lapsed standards, I guess.) Then, my mother pressed a handkerchief to her mouth in horror. "Zat's just one step closer to Option C! Oh, Maddie…Where did I go wrong?"

As I pressed my fingers to my temples, and promised to fetch Mom (and myself) some aspirin, I could hear the screech to tires on the driveway out front.

And I realized my car would be blocking any other car in, so who could have possibly pulled out? My eyes flew to my bag on the floor-the contents spilled out, my keys notably not among them.

Alicia had stolen my car and taken off to the mall. And as my mother gave another mournful wail, I could only wish I had gone with her.

 

Uploaded Monday May 7, 2012  
Episode 9: Single and Happyish

"Hi everyone." Maddie waved from her seat at her desk. "It feels like the 2.5 WPF club is putting on a full court blitz. Full court blitz…that's, that's what that's called, right?

"Anyway, to marry, settle down, and start off our lives. As if my life has not started yet. My pestering, traditionally valued mother has it cast in stone that I am practically an old maid at 24. But I have done my research!" Maddie held up the thick stack of papers of information she had gathered from the library. "The majority of marriages occur significantly after 25 and they tend to be happier and longer. And the children of those marriages tend to live happier and more stable lives! I HAVE DONE THE RESEARCH!" Maddie shook her papers vigorously.

"My mother had never been particularly interested in rational thought. She thinks ghosts cause power outages.

 

"My name is Maddie Kirkland. I am single and that is perfectly okay.

 

"As it is no surprise to any of you, my mom has been preparing me for marriage for my entire life. I didn't turn out quite the way she expected."

Maddie once more donned her fake pearls, shawl, and sunhat to impersonate her eccentric mother, "My Maddie is quite zee strange one. All zat reading, writing, and studying. And zat mouth of 'ers."

"And when I was seven, my mom dress me as a spinster for Halloween. A SPINSTER! Yeah, try explaining what a spinster is to your second grade classmates. Who does that!"

Ling slid in beside Maddie, "Mmm, you weren't a spinster that year. You were a witch."

"Nope, definitely a spinster," Maddie countered.

"Why would any mom dress her daughter up as a spinster?"

"To traumatize her into dedicating her life to finding a husband. Are you not listening?" Maddie said. Ling just gave her a skeptical look. "…So anyway I-"

"No, no that's not it, I was there too," Ling interrupted, "You were a witch and a very loud one at that."

"I had an old shawl, a broom, and a warty hag face as a mask."

"…Yeah, exactly. A witch."

Maddie decided to let the issue drop and pressed forward with her point. "Anyways so I proposed to Eduard Von Brock just to shut her up."

Ling burst into laughter, "I remember that. That was so cute." Maddie shot her friend a deadpan look. Ling was not helping her case.

"Closest I've ever gotten, according to my mother," Maddie continued, "I would have married the little bugger but his kickball games conflicted with arts and crafts. I never was kickballer wife material anyway…Which is good because Eduard Von Brock grew up to be kind of a dick. Turns out he got engaged the other day…and guess who told me?"

Cut to Maddie!Francine sobbing hysterically, "If Mrs. Von Brock's dick'eaded son is off zee market zere is not going to be anyone left for 'er to marry!"

"What she doesn't understand is that what makes me happy and what makes her happy are two very different things. All life doesn't revolve around men anymore! I can get a PhD. I can run a company. I can get one of those crappy mortgages and put myself into horrible, debilitating debt…I mean, more horrible, debilitating debt.

"So you can chill out mom, cause I don't need a husband."

"But you are still living at home!" Ling said leaning into frame with a smug smile.

"Buzz kill," Maddie grumbled.

 

Tuesday May 8, 2012  
Private Diary Entry 11

As much as my mother's wailing has continued on (and no, my carefully researched statistics didn't assuage her fears), I have come to the conclusion that I am fine with my life choices. In fact, I'm great with them. I much prefer to have my mind on my studies and not guys. Honestly, Option C doesn't strike fear into my heart the way it does my mother's. And Alicia's. Working hard at something I love, having great friends, and seeing the world? That sounds like brass ring.

Sure, I'm in debilitating debt. And sure, I won't be able to afford to own a shoebox, let along a place to live until I'm…ever. But then again, who isn't in debilitating debt right now? We work hard to get this debt-ridden, and we'll work equally hard to get out of it. Ahh, capitalism.

Ling is a perfect example. Even with her cousin helping her, she is in even more debt than I am, because I had a partial undergrad scholarship. But I just ran into her outside the registrar's office, getting things set up for the summer.

"You're doing what?"

"I'm going to be working on campus for the summer semester. The editing labs, and the administrative offices. I just set it up."

"But what about your thesis?" Yes, my school runs on a trimester schedule-but our grad program doesn't offer the courses we need during the summer. So, we are told that the break between the second and third years of grad school is the best time to dig in and do as much work on your thesis project as possible, before the hecticness of school returns.

"It won't be so bad-I'll just be making sure a bunch of Editing 101 kids don't destroy the computers, and I'll have access to the editing suites and be able to work on my projects there."

I must've looked dubious.

"Work study really helps me defray my expenses at school. And if I save up enough, maybe I'll be able to devote more time to work in the fall."

Again, I got the impression that Ling wasn't telling me everything, but she wasn't about to.

"Well, I have huge plans for the summer. Just so you know," I said.

"That so?"

"Oh, yes. Aside from my thesis, I've taken on a couple of high school student for tutoring English. So, I'm finally going to stake my claim to the comfy chair at the library. The one at the big table, so I can spread all my papers out. Stay there all day."

"Wow. You really know how to live large."

I shrugged, "That's just how I roll."

Yeah, I'm happy with my life choices. Studying what I love, and great friends. What more could anyone possibly want?:

 

Wednesday May 9, 2012  
A Twitter conversation between Feliciano Vargas and Caterina Vargas

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup i just had the best idea!

7:31pm- May 9, 2012

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta I hate it when you say that

7:33pm- May 9, 2012

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup haha. seriously though. when will you get back to the house? I want to run something by you.

7:36pm- May 9, 2012

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta vague much? does @bschmidt know what you're scheming?

7:38pm- May 9, 2012

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup not yet. we'll tell him tonight

7:40pm- May 9, 2012

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta oh we will now, will we?

7:41pm- May 9, 2012

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta skeptical, @romanitup is skeptical

7:42pm- May 9, 2012

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup but you don't even know what I'm going to say!

7:44pm- May 9, 2012

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta I can guess.

7:46pm- May 9, 2012

 

Uploaded Thursday May 10, 2012  
Episode 10: Cats and Chinchillas

"On the theory that the Internet is as bored stiff as I am with the continuing Feliciano Vargas saga, I'm going to try a sure fire method to boost my viewship," Maddie said. "Posting cute pictures of cats! But not just cats by themselves. 'Cause cats, you've seen," Maddie waved a dismissive hand. "But a cat with another cute furry animal. So…

"My name is Maddie Kirkland, and I'm going to show you a cat playing with…a chinchilla!"

"So without further ado, here is picture number one-" Suddenly Michelle entered Maddie's room.

"Maddie-"

"Michelle!"

Michelle stopped dead when she saw the camera. "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were shooting!"

"No, no, it's fine, it's fine 'cause Ling can edit this out later," Maddie assured her, gesturing her sister to come sit down adding a little wink to the camera. But as it turned out, Ling did not edit this out.

"You are never going to believe what happened at work today," Michelle said in a rush, her expression ecstatic.

"Uh, they realized what a creative genius you are and decided to start paying you a living wage?"

"Slightly more believable than that."

"I've got nothing."

"Feli sent flowers."

Maddie gasped, "To your office?" Michelle nodded vigorously.

"Yes!"

"Wow, classy move. And, he's smart enough to try to get around mom. I'm beginning to understand what you see in this guy."

"And there was a note," Michelle squealed.

Maddie rolled her eyes, "Well of course there was a note, how else would you know whom to thank with your feminine favours?"

"Maddie, don't make this dirty!" she said, gently swatting Maddie's shoulder.

"I'm not making anything dirty. This was dirty before I got here," Maddie said with a sly smirk. "Fine, what did the note say?"

"Feli and his sister Caterina want us to come visit him. At his house!"

"Oh, I told you this was dirty!" Something Michelle just said finally registered in Maddie's brain, "Wait, no, who is us?"

"Us! You and me!"

"Why do they want me to come? Is this some king of weird sister thing?"

"No, it's not some weird sister thing. They just...they just want to see you," Michelle said. Maddie squinted at her suspiciously.

"Is Beilschmidt going to be there?"

"I don't know…" Michelle said in a would-be casual voice. Maddie felt her fears were confirmed, Michelle was always a horrible liar.

"Michelle."

"…Okay, fine, yes. Yes, he'll be there-"

"Then I'm not going."

"No, you HAVE to go," Michelle said desperately.

"No, I don't. About the only thing that would make being your third wheel less appealing is having Beilschmidt lurking around."

"No, Feli and Beil- I mean Ludwig have been friends for years. He can't be that unpleasant all the time," Michelle replied.

"You are too nice."

Michelle scoffed, "There's no such thing as too nice."

"Yes, there is. And I love you, but you are it. Beilschmidt spent the entire evening being a total douche and you're just like," Maddie imitated Michelle's high falsetto, "'Well, I'm sure he was just having an off night.'"

Now Michelle was smirking, "Fine. Why don't you come with me, get to know Ludwig, and prove me wrong?"

Maddie decided not to fall into the trap, "I don't have to get to know Beilschmidt, and since he has no interest in getting to know me, it works out perfectly. Why do you even want me to come? It's not like you need a chaperone."

Michelle avoided Maddie's gaze. Realization slowly dawned on Maddie. "You do need a chaperone, don't you? Because…" Maddie grabbed Michelle's chin and forced her to meet her eyes. "It's not just me! It's Alicia too! Aw, God." Maddie threw up her hands in resignation.

She looked back at Michelle who still wasn't looking her full in the face. It seemed there was still something else.

"And…" Maddie put her index finger on Michelle's eyebrow, middle finger just below her eye, and thumb on her chin, pretending to do a Vulcan mind meld. "AND MOM?! Seriously, mom's coming?!"

"Sorry, Maddie!"

"UGH, F***"

The audio and video cut away to show a picture of a cute cat looking uncertainly at a very fluffy and round chinchilla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have any questions you would like to ask Maddie Kirkland in future Q&A videos: feel free to leave them in the comments! I'll see if I can include them in future asks. The next one should be a few weeks from now. Try to keep them plot relevant, however meta is also acceptable :P
> 
> For maximum hilarity, I usually like to imagine Francine Bonnefoy is still Francis, just crossdressing as a hysterical woman, weeping over his daughter's dismal love lives.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Maddie changes her mind about Feli.

Chapter 6 May 12-May 18

Saturday May 12, 2012  
Private Diary Entry 12

Okay. I have to admit that maybe…just maybe…I’d been a little bit judgemental about a certain young Italian who is spending this summer in out quaint little town. What with the rampant speculation about his being on the lam, hiding out in a McMansion, or at the very least questioning why on earth he’d decided to move here.

I’m just lucky that my sister is a big enough person to not hold it against me.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen (of my imagination, because seriously, who would be reading this?), I may have been a little to harsh on Feliciano Vargas.

It all started with flowers. After their date last week, Feli sent Michelle flowers at work to let her know he was thinking of her. First of all, points to him for not sending them to the house, where my mom would jump all over them, read the card, and then likely get it framed. Secondly, he’d been on Michelle’s Pintrest apparently, because he knew her favourite flower.

But the flowers did come with a card, one that also bore an invitation to a dinner party. For Michelle and for me. My mother, being my mother, figured that the mythical medical school friends must have come into town, and to better her chances for all of her offspring, decided to try and wedge Alicia in (as well as herself, for some reason).

But Feli handled it like a champ.

He thanked my mom for dropping off Michelle and me at the door, and sent Mom and Alicia away by promising to come over for dinner sometime next week.

My mother was satisfied, having finally gotten the promised chance to feed Feli Vargas. Alicia, for her part, seemed fine with it. She wasn’t enthusiastic about a “sit down and take a sip of wine and spit it out type thing, anyway,” as she put it.

It was a gorgeous party. And Vecchio is a really gorgeous house. I have a feeling that Caterina did a lot of shopping and hiring of painters to get it to look like more than just a young bachelor lived here. Feli was also the perfect host-kind to everyone, happy to see them, and going out of his way to make people feel comfortable. He went from group to group like a bouncing ball.

“Hey, Maddie” Feli said to me when we entered, “I’m glad you could come!”

“I’m glad you invited me.”

“Well, I knew Michelle would be more comfortable with other people around…you especially,” Feli smiled his thousand-watt smile.

“Feli, did you throw an entire dinner party just to make Michelle comfortable?” I asked, things clicking to place in my head.

“Well…” he blushed. “I want to get to know everyone else, too!”

“Wow.” I said. “That’s some dedication to your courtship.”

Feli was still blushing, so I decided to cut him some slack and change the subject. But can I help it if I changed the subject to something I wanted to know?

“So what made you decide to move here, anyway?” I asked. “Buying a house is a big decision.”

It may have been my imagination, but Feli’s smile seemed frozen for a second before he shrugged, “I told my parents it was an investment property.” Which I guess is rich-person speak for I have a half dozen houses and flit between them. But Feli continued, “But really, I came here for Kiku’s bachelor party, and I just…fell in love with the place. The town. The people.”

It was no surprise to me that his brown eyes were following Michelle as she greeted Caterina across the room.

“Anyway, I just thought being here would be nice!”

And it was. It was really nice. He was really nice. After I freed him from my inquisition (skills honed from my mom), Feli spent the entire evening next to Michelle. But not in a cloying, stalkery way. In an 'I’m truly interested in you and your opinions' way. He asked her what she thought of the house. Asked for her professional design opinion. I can’t imagine that went over well with Caterina, but she didn’t say anything, just smiled at Michelle and enthusiastically agreed with whatever she said.

Ling was there too (for Michelle’s comfort, but I was happy about it myself), along with a couple of other people we knew from school, some from Michelle’s office, and a few others we’d met at the wedding.

“Feli makes friends easily, it seems,” Ling said to me.

“Yeah,” I mused, all the while keeping my eyes on Michelle and Feli. The look on his face spoke volumes. “He really likes her, doesn’t he?”

“Yup,” Ling agreed. “So…” She looked at me with eyebrows raised.

“So…maybe I was a little hard on him.”

“Aw, you admitted a mistake.” Ling grinned at me. “I’ve never seen that before.”

I swatted her arm for that, making her spill a little of her drink. Which, thankfully, was just water. She told me she’s decidedly off vodka tonics for a bit.

“Yes, there is that rare occasion where external factors were perhaps influencing my first impression of someone.”

“Translation: you were wrong.”

“I am capable of changing my mind, when it’s warranted.” I let my eyes find Michelle and Feli again, across the room. “And I was wrong about Feli. Which is good, because Michelle really likes him.”

“Really?” Ling asked. “How do you know?”

“Because she told me,” I replied. “And besides, just look at her.”

At that moment, Feli whispered something in Michelle’s ear and she laughed. Then she turned away to address something to Caterina said, trying to pay attention to other people as she did Feli.

“Then maybe she should show it more,” Ling said, frowning.

“She shows plenty,” I replied. “She’s at this party, isn’t she? She’s sitting next to him at dinner.”

“Michelle would have sat next to anyone who requested it of her.”

“You think that?” I asked. “Why, just because she’s nice?”

“Exactly! She’s nice. And she’s nice to everyone. If she really likes Feli, she should show him a little bit more favour than she would a random stranger, is all I’m saying.”

Actually, I’m fine with the way Michelle was acting. As much as I’ve changed my mind about Feli tonight, I am happy that she is remaining her usual composed self, at least publicly. Playing it cool means it won’t go too fast, and Michelle can keep some boundaries- and keep some of herself. Maybe this will turn into something real. I just don’t want her to fall so hard (with our mother’s encouragement) that she forgets who she is and what’s really important.

The rest of the evening went well. Feli had apparently wanted to make five different kinds of pasta all by himself, but Caterina made him hire caterers for the evening, which I can’t fault because it resulted in the best crostini (which I would never admit to my mother) I’ve ever had. Ling ended up talking to a guy (!) for forty minutes, debating wether or not the French New Wave was overhyped. (Ling’s take: it was) And there was even some dancing, of the mildly embarrassing, “Hey, you guys remember the electric slide?” variety. All in all, it was a pretty great evening. In fact, the only burr in its side was that perpetually sour-faced buzz kill known as Ludwig Beilschmidt. But hey, we expected that, didn’t we?

Beilschmidt spent most of the evening hanging back in the corner of the room, watching the merriment with disdain. Caterina would occasionally go over to him, and they would exchange presumably snarky banter. More than once I discovered his blue eyes following me, but he would quickly look away the second I caught him. I could only imagine that he was recalling the horror of our dance.

I will give him this: at least with Beilschmidt you know for certain whether he likes you. Or in my case, whether he does not. Unlike Michelle and Feli, there is absolutely no guesswork involved.

Sunday May 13, 2012  
A Twitter exchange between Caterina Vargas and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup 

@bschmidt taking a break from work. any luck?

8:45pm- May 13, 2012

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup I found the one shop that stocks something other than box wine. Some moderately passable choices. Returning shortly.

8:49pm- May 13, 2012  
1 retweet, 3 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup 

@bschmidt when you get back we’re on the porch. I’m squinting at spreadsheets. @felilovespasta is studying. If you gotta work this view isn’t bad

8:51pm- May 13, 2012  
3 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup trying to leave, but the store owner will not stop talking to me.

8:54pm- May 13, 2012  
1 retweet, 5 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup 

@bschmidt what a shame

8:56pm- May 13, 2012

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup would not stop. I finally had to just walk away. People.

8:58pm- May 13, 2012  
3 retweets, 15 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup 

@bschmidt lol

9:00pm- May 13, 2012

Uploaded Monday May 14, 2012  
Episode 11: Charming Mr. Vargas

“If one good thing came out of dinner at Feli’s the other day- and I’m not convinced that anything did- it’s that I can say with authority, that Feli is definitely into my sister," Maddie said. "And not in the creepy stalker way either. I know that I kind of prejudged the guy, right? But I have to admit. He is a nice, sensitive guy.

 

“My name is Maddie Kirkland and Feli Vargas just charmed the pants off of everybody…Not literally," she added hastily.

 

“That Feli. Man, one cool customer. Even my mother trying to invite herself in didn’t faze him,” she continued.

“Oh, Mr. Vargas, you remember us from zee wedding. We were so delighted to receive your invitation!” Maddie!Francine said, waving a hand airily around.

Back out of costume, Maddie said, “She does that all the time, barges in like she’s invited. Mostly people feel so awkward about telling her no, that they just let her stay. She did that at the Parliament Buildings during our Ottawa trip. We had pop with Chretien’s kids. Actually kind of amazing from a national security standpoint. But where the RCMP faltered? Feli Vargas didn’t miss a beat.”

Maddie donned the head mirror and stethoscope and said in her best (read: terrible) Italian accent, “Oh, it’s-a so nice of you and Alicia to come drop off-a Michelle and Maddie!”

“And then, I’m not sure how he did it, but suddenly Mom was out the door, having invited Feli and Caterina (oh, and Beilschmidt- ugh) over to visit out house, which meant she couldn’t stay around his house, because she had to go home and have a good panic. It was amazing,” Maddie grinned.

Just then, Alicia burst into the room as if she had been listening with one ear at the door (which she may have been doing). “Amazing for you, maybe. We had to stop for Xanax on the way home.” She leaned over Maddie shoulder, glaring.

“And how much of that Xanax ended up in your purse?” Maddie asked, eyebrows raised.

“…Gotta go!” Alicia squeaked, and left as quickly as she came.

Maddie shook her head and got back on topic, “Dinner was fine, I guess. Feli had a bunch of people over, like Ling, but the whole time, he was talking to Michelle every chance he got. Michelle, as usual, played it cool though, which is great. There is nothing more pathetic than a girl who throws herself at a guy the minute he starts to show the tiniest bit of interest.”

From beside the camera, Ling coughed.

“Something to share with the class, Ling?”

Ling sat down beside Maddie, “I just think Michelle might have been playing it a little too cool.” Maddie recalled Ling had raised this exact point at the party. Might as well let the audience hear her side as well.

“You don’t think she’s into him?”

“Oh, no. I think it’s obvious she really likes him. I just think we’re the only two people who can tell. See, this is what Michelle says when she sees someone she really likes:

‘Oh, hi! It’s so good to see you!’ Ling said in a light airy tone.

“Her mortal enemy:

Oh, hi! It’s so good to see you!’

“And the mailman:

Oh, hi! It’s so good to see you!’

“And we, as lifelong scholars of the many moods of Michelle Bonnefoy, can tell the difference. I’m not sure Feli can.”

“Well, he’s a smart guy, he’ll figure it out.”

“I’m sure he could, if he puts his mind to it. The question is, will he put in the effort if he’s not getting any encouragement?”

“Well, if he’s not going to put in the effort, he’s not worth her time. Speaking of thing that aren’t worth anyone’s time, can we go back to talking about Beilschimidt, because I feel like I’m getting some traction,” Maddie said.

“Save it for next time. Too many subjects in one video and if feels unfocused.”

Tuesday May 15, 2012  
Private Diary Entry 13

Comment from *****: Maddie, if you can change your mind about Feli, what about Ludwig? Or Alicia? Jeez, judgemental much?

I’ve been getting comments like this lately on my videos. And I know you’re not supposed to read the comments, or feed the trolls, or whatever – but the fact of the matter is comments are how I communicate with the viewers, so I have to.

Let me just say, the vast majority of the feedback I have received has been great. As a woman putting herself out there on YouTube, the fact of the matter is I expected far more “Show us your tits!!!!” and “she ugly ho” comments than I have received (The debate about gender norms in new media as filtered through anonymity would fill up this entire journal, so we won’t go there.) So, the negative comments I do get I tend to take pretty seriously – as constructive criticism. However…

“It’s not a negative comment,” Dr. Maes told me when I cornered her at lunch yesterday.

“It’s not?”

“No – it is a questioning of your presentation and your worldview…which is exactly the kind of back and forth you want in an open communication,” Dr. Maes said. “In fact, what you’re doing with your video project is really quite exciting – I have not seen a community form around a voice like yours in a long time. But you do have to address the concerns of your community.”

Which has gotten me wondering about what comes next. It’s just an idea right now, and I don’t want to overthink it, but what if my videos could be something bigger than just my end-of-term project?

But Dr. Maes makes a solid point. To have a true dialogue with the world (which is the whole point of this video project), I have to think wider than my narrow viewpoint.

The thing is, though, I don’t think I’m being overly judgemental. I think I’m being pretty true to life. But how to make this clear to the faceless masses on the Internet? If they won’t take my word for it, whose work would they take?

Wednesday May 16, 2012  
A Twitter conversation between Caterina Vargas and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

is watching @bschmidt’s driver whisk him away to the airport so he can take a “business” trip. I think he’s trying to escape.

6:48pm- May 16, 2012

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

I’ll be back in a few days. You’ll hardly know I’m gone.

6:54pm- May 16, 2012  
7 retweets, 9 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

twitter, you’re my only hope. tell @bschmidt to take me away before I waste away from boredom and bad coffee

7:00pm- May 16, 2012  
2 comments, 1 like

Uploaded Thursday May 17, 2012  
Episode 12: Michelle Chimes In

Maddie turns the camera on, catching Michelle unprepared.

“Oh. Hi! It’s so good to see you…Not that I can actually see you or anything, since I’m on the Internet and you’re sitting at home. Can you imaging if I could actually see you? That would be weird.”

Maddie slides into view, “Uh, hi, everyone. Don’t worry, I’m still vlogging, and we will get back to the promised Beilschmidt-bashing. But today I have a very special guest, my big sister and second-bestest friend ever, Michelle!

“Second-bestest?”

“Just be glad you aren’t Alicia. She doesn’t even rank.”

“Okay?”

“Great!

 

“My name is Maddie Kirkland, and this is where Michelle chimes in.”

 

“I’ve asked Michelle here today because I’ve been getting some comments (Yay comments! Keep them coming!) Implying I might be a tad bit biased in my portrayals of friends and family members. (Of course I’m biased! It’s my video blog!) However, in the interest of fairness, I have asked my sister Michelle here, the nicest person I know, to come and give her opinions." Maddie turned to her sister. "Ready, Michelle?”

“Ready,” she nodded.

“Okay. Let’s start with mom. My take: we love her, but she’s nuts. Michelle?”

“Kind of. But sweet.”

“How about dad?”

“He’s pretty low-key. And he does enjoy winding up mom, but in a sweet way.”

“Now, Ling, Alicia, and you have all been on the video blogs, so people can come to their own conclusions. How the illustrious…Feliciano Vargas?”

Michelle blushed, “Well…you know I like him.”

Maddie smiled, “Yeah, okay, once I got to know him, I liked him, too. Although not in that way. Because that would be awkward.”

“So we’re three for three?”

“How about Beilschmidt? And I defy you to call him sweet.”

“I’ll admit he’s a little prickly. But he’s…he’s…” Michelle stopped, thinking hard, and then started again, “wh-“. This went on…for a full agonizing minute, Michelle starting and stopping trying to think of one positive thing about Beilschmidt. “He’s so – ah – He’s – hmm…" Maddie's grin spread slowly across her face, watching Michelle struggle.

"No. No, no, no. I was just talking to Alicia about this…Gosh. It’s going to come any second now." Michelle snapped her fingers. “I can’t think with the camera looking at me like that.” 

Finally she said, “He’s tall. Ludwig is tall.”

Maddie could help but laugh. “Okay! For the record, when the nicest thing Michelle Bonnefoy has to say about you is ‘tall’, you have personality problems.”

“Maddie,” Michelle said despairingly.

“What? It’s totally true.”

Michelle swiftly changed the subject, “What did you think about Caterina?”

“Feli’s sister?”

“Isn’t she super sweet?”

“Yeah! She’s great.” Maddie didn’t have anything against Caterina, they truthfully hadn’t interacted much. But anytime Maddie did have a conversation with her, Caterina seemed to come off as standoffish and overly judgemental.

“Okay! There you have it! Michelle agrees! Maddie Kirkland is a news source you can rely on. Thanks, Michelle!

“Bye, everybody.” Michelle turned and left, closing the door behind her.

“Michelle can be right about Caterina. I guess. I mean she was really nice to everyone. But she kept going off in a corner to hang out with Beilschmidt. Like Statler and Waldorf being snarky for their own amusement. Not that could hear them or anything. Maybe she’s just into him. Lord knows why. Caterina was sweet to Michelle, though. I’m sure she really likes her. Or she knows she should be nice to her because Feli likes her…" Maddie frowned. "Wow, I am really cynical of people. Okay! I’m going to be positive. Positive…"

Maddie scrunched up her nose, thinking. 

“Oh! Got it. If Feli’s sister was only being nice to Michelle because Feli likes her, then she’s smart and putting her brother’s feelings before her own!

“And I know its driving Ling nuts, but I still think Michelle is doing the right thing by playing it cool. I mean, Michelle and Feli have hung out, what, like four times? How could you bas a long-term relationship on that? So Michelle, if you’re watching this, and I know you are, don’t listen to Ling!”

A giant red ‘X’ with an error sound appeared over Maddie’s face. The words: ‘LISTEN TO LING!’ were underneath it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's a dinner, a fire, and a surprising offer.

Chapter 7 May 19-May 25

Saturday May 19, 2012  
Private Diary Entry 14

I didn't make it to the library this morning. I was on my way out the door when mom pulled up in the driveway, honking like a madwoman and effectively blocking me in.

"Oh, good, Maddie, you're still 'ere! You can 'elp me with zee groceries!"

In the trunk of the car was the entire grocery store. I swear she had bought out every department.

"I'm headed to the library, Mom. Can't Michelle or Alicia…" I tried, but my effort was weak.

"Michelle 'ad to work at zee design centre zis morning, and Alicia is still asleep. She was up studying too late last night." My mother clicked her tongue.

Let's be clear: Alicia was not up late studying. She was up late watching cat videos online. She's obsessed with cats lately. I could hear her across the hall as I was trying to sleep.

"Today is too important for zee library," my mother said, handing stuffed bags of produce to me. "We 'ave to make zee very best impression, and zat means cooking everyzing perfectly. You've just been elected my 'elper. Allons-y!"

If my hands weren't laden with a ridiculous amount of lamb, I would have smacked my forehead. Of course, tonight is the night that Feli and Caterina Vargas are coming over for dinner. Tonight is the night my mother goes full on crazy.

And I've been "elected", as my mother put it, to be the one who keeps her from that fate.

"What's all this?" Dad asked, emerging from his den with newspaper in hand.

"Dinner," I heaved the bags onto the counter and went back out for more.

As I passed, I heard my dad say, "For whom?"

"The Vargas'."

"There are only two of them, correct? We didn't invite all the Vargas' in the world, did we?"

"Oh, bijou," my mom simply laughed, waving off my father's objections.

"How-how much did you buy?" He asked weakly.

"I wanted a variety. Michelle 'as told me so little about what zey like – "

"How much, Francine?"

The tone in my father's voice shocked me. He never gets angry. He rarely ever gets above bemused. I quickly got the last of the bags out of the car and came back into the house.

"I told you, Francine, we can't go spending – "

"And I told you, Arthur, it's for a special occasion – "

"They can't all be special occasions! We cannot keep on like this!"

Mom and Dad didn't notice me at all standing in the hallway. They were too involved in their conversation. And there was no way I was going in there at that moment, so I just slid into the den, waiting it out.

It shouldn't have taken more than a few moments, I figured. And I don't think I had any perishables in my bag.

It's really weird being an adult child and listening to parents fight. Especially when you parents never fought much in the first place. Or at least, they didn't in front of us. Part of me wants to crawl up into a ball, regress to the age of seven and hide, pretend that it wasn't happening. But another part of the me is too smart, too curious, to not want to know what the problem is.

And I suppose that curiosity is what led me to my dad's desk. And to glance at his calendar. Mostly it was normal – business meetings, bridge night at the club (now crossed out). But there was an entry for next week, written like it was the most normal thing in the world: 2pm – Mortgage Refinance.

Now, that could be something normal, right? I don't know a lot about mortgages, but they get refinanced all the time because of changing interest rates and things like that…I think. But adding this entry onto the fact that they cancelled their club membership…and now Dad and Mom are having conversations about how much she spends…it seems like things are starting to pile on top of each other.

Dad's office laid off about 30% of their workforce years ago. He managed to keep his middle-management position, but had to take a bit of a pay cut. At the time they reasoned everything would be fine because Michelle would be on her own soon enough, and I was about to graduate undergrad, so they wouldn't have me to worry about, either. Instead, Michelle and I are still both at home. And Dad and Mom are having hushed conversations in the kitchen about how four pounds of lamb is too expensive.

But then I heard my mom laugh again, a little trill that told me their brief disagreement was over.

"Maddie? Where are zee rest of zee bags?" she called out, after I heard my dad move down the hall and close the bathroom door.

I plastered a smile on my face as I came out of the den, carrying the rest of the groceries. I couldn't think about the money issue any more. At least not today. Because my mother was strapping on her apron and beginning to flutter all over the kitchen, and it wasn't even ten in the morning yet.

I figured if I could just focus on getting Mom through the dinner, everything else could wait.

"Now Maddie, do you zink I 'ave time to learn 'ow to make zuppa toscana? It can't be zat much 'arder zan any other soup, right?"

Tonight is going to be a doozy.

Saturday May 19, 2012  
A Twitter conversation between Caterina Vargas, Feliciano Vargas, and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt I bet you're so sad you're not here with us

3:55pm- May 19, 2012

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt yeah, you are missing out!

3:57pm- May 19, 2012

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt yeah, you're gonna miss ALL the fun.

3:59pm- May 19, 2012

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup @felilovespasta I'll survive.

4:01pm- May 19, 2012  
3 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt who am I going to look to in order to stay sane?

4:03pm- May 19, 2012

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup aw, c'mon, please don't be like that

4:05pm- May 19, 2012

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta I admit, I do like your, ahem, friend. And the middle one is OK too. But the rest of them…

4:06pm- May 19, 2012  
8 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt I'd pay good money to watch you try to have a conversation with the little one.

4:07pm- May 19, 2012  
1 comment, 6 retweets, 29 likes

 

Uploaded Monday May 21, 2012  
Episode 13: Feli! It's Time For Dinner

(A/N: Recorded May 19th, put here for chronological consistency)

"So today, we're going to try something a little different." Maddie said frantically to the camera. She was dressed decidedly fancy for a "casual" dinner. "In about an hour or so, Feli and Caterina are coming over for dinner. And yeah, Mom is freaking out. (But that's obvious.) So I'm going to do my best to give you up-to-the-minute updates during the dinner. Which I'm sure will go peeerfeeeectly well."

Just then Alicia burst into the room, "Maddie! Mom needs your help with the salad."

"Why can't you do it?"

Alicia sat down and immediately ignored Maddie in favour of her audience, "Hi, everyone! My sister's suspect domestic skills are needed in the kitchen so I'll be filming – "

Maddie knew a ploy to distract her when she saw one, "Oh no, no, that's uh – that's fine. I'll be there in a minute, so you can – "

"But she needs you right now."

"Okay, but you are not filling in for me. Okay?" Alicia made winky faces and blew kisses to the camera. "Are – are you even listening to me?" Maddie tried again.

 

"…Fine. My name is Maddie Kirkland – "

"MY NAME IS ALICIA KIRKLAND!" Maddie closed her eyes, and fought the urge to facepalm. Alicia pointed to the camera and clicked her tongue, "You're line, sis."

"Guess who's coming to dinner?"

"FELICIANO VARGAS!"

 

"So right now it's about an hour until dinner, Feli and Caterina are downstairs talking to Dad and Michelle and so far so good. But I think that's mainly because Mom is still in the kitchen perfecting everything. Anything. Right now she's panicking about dietary restrictions. And this is even after Feli told her:"

"It's-a fine Mrs. Bonnefoy! Caterina and I don't have any preferences, I'm-a sure whatever you-a make will be delicious!" Maddie!Feli exclaimed.

"But unfortunately, the only thing that accomplished was sending her into a raging panic, because now she can't decide what to make. And I know what you're thinking; just tell her to make whatever! And believe me, I have.

"But right now she has too many choices and it's paralyzing her. Even though she doesn't have that many options. There is only so much you can do with four pounds of lamb."

Once more, Alicia burst in without preamble, "Maddie, Mom is freaking out!"

"I know – "

"Hey, you're doing the show without me?" Alicia said, hurt.

"No, I'm – What does mom want?" Maddie stuttered.

"She needs your help filleting the salmon...Whatever that means."

"Wait, there's salmon? Where did that come from?"

"She thought it'd be classier. She's also asking Feli and Caterina if they mind if she doesn't use soy sauce."

Maddie's heart rate skyrocketed, she felt she might have an aneurism, "No she's not – oh Mom, why!" Maddie ran from the room to try and prevent disaster.

Alicia smiled, finally alone, "Now for the real show. Some things you might don't know about Maddie; she smells bad, she's definitely afraid of birds – "

Maddie charged back into her room, "Oh no you don't! Nah uh, nah uh, not gonna happen!"

Alicia tried to shout over her, "PLEASE JUST FOR A MINUTE PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE – "

The video cut as Maddie dragged Alicia from the room.

Maddie returned to the camera some time later in a state of unbridled panic. "Okay so now it's after dinner and it's turned into a real emergency, I don't have time to go into everything, but mom embarrassed herself, and then Alicia embarrassed herself, and them mom embarrassed herself again…which shouldn't surprise anyone. Shame on me, really.

"Now it's damage control time, we've gotta get everyone outta here, as least Feli and Caterina. I texted Ling, and she's gonna meet us over at Carter's Bar, we'll have a few drinks, play some video games, and with any luck Feli will have such a good time that he'll forget about the worst dinner ever!

"Or at least get so drunk he doesn't care? Okay, gotta go."

The door to Maddie's bedroom opened again and Alicia tackled Maddie in a hug yelling, "WOO, CARTER'S! YEAH, BITCHES!" Maddie was now debating on getting a lock for that damned door.

"Uh, you're not going."

"Why not?" Alicia whined.

"Because it's illegal? And you're gonna stay home and help mom."

Maddie expected Alicia to throw a tantrum because she wasn't getting what she wanted that instant. But instead, Alicia looked at the camera and smiled. "Okay. Yeah, I'll just – I'll just stay home…by myself then."

Sometimes Maddie wished Michelle was her only sister. "…Okay fine you can go," she groaned.

"Yessss."

"This is gonna end so well."

Alicia held up her hand for a high-five, "Whuuuut!"

Maddie cringed, "No."

 

Saturday May 19, 2012  
A Twitter conversation between Feliciano Vargas, Caterina Vargas, and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt change of plans – we're going to a bar in town. Carter's. Come and meet us!

6:26pm- May 19, 2012  
1 retweet, 4 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt Yes, please.

6:28pm- May 19, 2012

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta Not sure I'd be the best company at the moment.

6:30pm- May 19, 2012  
1 retweet, 3 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt I think you'd have a good time. Or at least find it amusing.

6:31pm- May 19, 2012

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@bschmidt c'mon! don't sit in the house alone all night. One drink

6:32pm- May 19, 2012  
2 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@felilovespasta @romanitup Fine. One drink. Send me the address.

6:35pm- May 19, 2012  
8 likes

 

Sunday May 20, 2012  
Private Diary Entry 15

3am. I can't sleep. Not because I'm wide awake, but there is literally no room. Alicia is hogging all corners of my not-exactly-spacious double bed. Oh, and when Alicia drinks, she becomes a thrasher in her sleep. Seriously, I was about to try and climb in next to her, when she kicked wildly and gifted me with a healthy bruise on my shin.

Suffice to say, the evening did not proceed even remotely as planned. Feli and Caterina came over for dinner. Feli brought a bottle of wine, which was a lovely gesture. (But by the way my mom fawned over it, you would think such a thing was rare and exquisite, and that we didn't live within driving distance of the entire Central California wine valley region.) And yes, Mom cooked food. And she only asked Feli and Caterina once if they minded she didn't use soy sauce. But sometime around the appetizers, things started to go awry.

We were all sitting in the formal living room – which is really just Dad's den, but mom forced him to hide all his papers and desk stuff and move the "good" couch from the regular living room in there. Then she made him feng shui the entire place.

Mom had also demanded that her daughters dress appropriately. For my mother, "appropriately" means something akin to a debutante ball. I wouldn't be surprised if she had lace parasols in a closet somewhere, ready to be pulled out at a moment's notice. Luckily, Michelle got home from work in time to bring some fashion expertise and sanity to the situation, and we all looked normal, if a little dressy.

"You look amazing," Feli said to Michelle, as he sat next to her. "Is that new?"

"Oh, my, is it from Marc Jacob's fall collection? You have samples at your store?" Caterina fawned, reaching forward to touch the skirt.

"No, actually – this is a vintage dress I altered," Michelle replied.

While that made Feli's eyes light up in admiration, I couldn't help but notice Caterina dropped the material as if it were a dead rat.

"My Michelle can make a ball gown out of a sack of cloth, is she puts 'er mind to it," my mother said, sitting on the arm of my dad's chair. "She is so talented. And smart. If only that job of 'ers appreciated 'er skills. To be 'onest with you, I zink 'er employers are using zee economy as an excuse to keep 'er pay low. Why, with a little more money, imagine what Michelle could do – start 'er own clothing line, move out on 'er own. Of course, you don't need to imagine, Feliciano, you know."

"Er," my father interjected, picking up the bottle Feli had brought. "Shall we try this wine?"

Whatever conversation my dad had with mom earlier, it must have been extreme to unsettle her like this. Because my mother would never – never – talk about money in front of new acquaintances. Especially ones she wanted to impress.

It's also possible she'd been taking nips of some white wine in the kitchen. Sometimes the cooking itself isn't enough to de-stress her.

But Feli didn't seem to notice anything untoward, launching into a polite, eager conversation about the winery, and venturing that perhaps he and Michelle could go there sometime, make a day of it.

From there, we repaired to the dining room (we only have the real one, thank goodness), where mom served everyone an…international array of cuisine. The evening was still going okay at this point, which was when Alicia decided to make herself known.

I can only guess that she was pretty bored and no one was paying much attention to her.

"So, um, Feli," she started, scooting her chair closer to his. As I was mom's assistant in the kitchen, I had to be near the kitchen door, and thus was not able to position myself to block Feli's non-Michelle side from familial intrusion. "You're like, a med student, right?"

Feli hesitated. "Yes," he said cautiously. After all, he'd been thoroughly questioned already about his medical studies at UCLA and his choice of speciality. Maddie had felt sorry for him during this interrogation, during which he had fidgeted, hands playing with the sleeves of his shirt, eyes darting around all the while Caterina stared hard at him.

"Do you, like, examine people yet?"

"No, not – not yet. I still have a year to go before we see patients on our own."

"Then, how do you, like, practice? Do you – oh, my God – play Doctor with your fellow med students? You'd have to, like, look at their privates and stuff. That would be so crazy. You'd have to see them naked." Alicia's eyes went wide. "And I just got the best idea of how to pick up guys." She turned back to Feli. "Do you have a stethoscope? Can I borrow it?"

"Ah, A – Actually – "

"OMG, can you imagine the number of guys I can get to take their shirt off, just by saying I need to listen to their heartbeat? Good way to find out if they are too hairy to take home first, am I right? Caterina, you must have tried it before. No?" Alicia asked despite the look of utter distain on Caterina's face. "Feli, please can I borrow your stethoscope? Please? Pleaaase?"

"Alicia," I warned, kicking her under the table.

"What?" Alicia answered with a responding kick. "What did I say?"

That's Alicia for you. She has no idea when she's gone too far for fancy-dinner conversation. Or for regular conversation. Even my mother, who usually indulges Alicia's enthusiasm (after all, boy-crazy is only one step removed from marriage-crazy), had turned a mottled shade of pink.

Swiftly, I tried to adjust Alicia's line of questioning to something more palatable. "So, Feli, when do you head back to school?"

"Oh. Um…"

"My grad program is on a trimester schedule," I continued. "When we get off in June, I actually don't have to go back until October."

"And sometime in the middle of September, Maddie will start to go stir-crazy without lectures to attend and papers to write," Michelle said for me, giving me a smile from across the table.

"Usually it's August," I replied.

"Well, I have some time," Feli answered slowly. When Caterina cleared her throat, he continued. "Until I have to go back to school, that is. And I'm lucky that my sister could take time from her own work to help get me settled."

Caterina smiled graciously at him. "And decorate! Which is really why I came – Feli's idea of furnishing is a couch and a TV. Besides, who wouldn't like to paint on a blank canvas?" she said to Michelle, who giggled.

"And what, does Beilschmidt like to decorate too?" I asked. I couldn't help it.

"No, decorating's not really his thing," Feli laughed. "He's just hanging out with me. He doesn't love telecommunicating, but he can still pop up to San Fransisco when he needs to."

Yeah, I highly doubt that. More likely, he inherited his business, and it's run my people who actually know what their doing so he can take weeks off at a time to "just hang" with his buddies.

"But whatever are you going to do about zat gorgeous 'ouse of yours?" Mom interjected. She fanned herself – the picture of French elegance. She was stuck on the idea of Feli going back to school – ie. Leaving without her having secured him for Michelle. "It's not meant to be a summer 'ouse. It's meant to be a family 'ome, with children and dogs, and – "

"My brother's a very busy young man," Caterina jumped in, saving us all from Mom dropping her widest hints. "But don't worry, if there's anyone who can handle the rigors of being a medical student and then a doctor along with the "joys" of homeownership, it's my brother." Caterina wasn't even bothering to hide the glare she shot at my mother. Feli frowned at his sister.

"You know, zere's an excellent medical program right here…" my mom tried again, but thankfully she was stopped this time by someone with a little more force.

"Well my dear, I believe it is time for desert!" my dad said, rising from the table. "She's been putting together something special for tonight – she wouldn't even let me see what it was." He smiled at the guests.

"Oh, yes! You all stay right here – I'll be back in a moment!" Mom said brightly, bringing attention back to where she (read: we) were comfortable having it: food. It was admittedly delicious (which is standard for my mom; she really know how to cook), but in a terrifyingly elaborate way (which is not standard, and you will see the terror it invokes in a moment).

My mom trotted off to the kitchen, and after refusing assistance from her appointed helper (me) came back with a wheelie cart.

And a blowtorch.

"Bananas flambé!" she cried. "Girls, zis is 'ow I snared your father."

My dad looked a little taken aback, but he played along. "Yes, she was training to be a table-side dessert chief at a restaurant when we met." There was a brief pause. "Thirty years ago."

"And I remember exactly 'ow it goes – don't worry bijou." My mother smiled and turned on the blowtorch.

I think you can guess what happened next.

I doubt we will ever get the smell of burned bananas out of the dining room drapes.

Once we'd put out the tablecloth – Dad fetching the fire extinguisher and Feli smothering the flames with a casserole pot lid; I like to think they bonded during this small crisis – Mom looked ready to break down in tears.

My dad only had to shoot me one look for the appointed helper to spring into action.

"Michelle, I have a thought," I said. "Why don't we go out and grab a drink?"

"Oh, yes!" she said gratefully. "The night is still young."

"That sounds like a great idea," Feli approved, with visible relief. "Carter's Bar?"

"I'll text Ling, have her meet up." We would need reinforcements to get over the trauma of dinner.

"And I'll tweet Ludwig," Caterina added, her fingers already flying on her phone. Which I had actually seen her do a couple of times during dinner. Great – that meant chances were Beilschmidt was informed of the Great Kirkland-Bonnefoy Dinner Debacle already (TM the Universe).

I had been trying to do a video update during dinner, running up and down the stairs to fim short snippets in my room as the meal spiralled out of control. (Considering the number of time I excused myself to "use the bathroom," I can only imagine that Feli and Caterina now think I have an incontinence issue). I wanted to see if immediacy added to the energy of my posts (boy, did it!), but I had to abandon the story half told to go to Carter's.

Where the second half of the evening was, if you can believe it, even more interesting than the first.

And once again, Alicia played her part.

At first things were going well. The addition of Ling and the atmosphere of Carter's helped to normalize everyone. Also, alcohol.

Beilschmidt, of course, kept to himself. Even when he was sitting at the table with us. His mouth shut and his chin pushed back in a look of complete condemnation of anything, you know, fun.

Saturday night and the bar was packed, so of course Alicia would run into someone she knew.

"Oh, my God, guys, this is Feliks from school! Feliks, my sisters Maddie and Michelle." Alicia dragged a nice-looking guy over to our table. "Hi – my name is Toris, act – " he said, extending his hand to me. But before he could finish, Alicia cut him off.

"Feli! Feliks and I were just talking and we decided that it would be so awesome of you if you threw a party. Like an end-of-semester thing. Your house is perfect, and Feliks' band could play."

"But, I don't have a – "

"Whatever, I would be the cutest groupie you ever saw." Alicia gave Toris-not-Feliks a once-over. "It's too bad I didn't bring my stethoscope with me," she sighed, her words beginning to slur. "So what do you think, Feli?"

Feli had a couple of beers by this point, and I didn't blame him for it. After all, he'd survived dinner with my mom, and he had a driver. But this made his eagerness to please susceptible to those who always had an angle. Like Alicia. "You know what, a party sounds great, Alicia! Thank you for sass-suggesting it." Then he turned his smile back to Michelle. "Would you like to come to a party at my house?"

She smiled back at him, and they were lost in their own little world.

"Yes!" Alicia fist-pumped, taking this drunken agreement as the full-on promise she would inevitably force it to be. Of that I have no doubt. Then her eyes hit on something on the far side of the bar. "No way! When did Carter's get a Whac-A-Mole? Come on Feliks! Let's play!"

"It's Toris – " But Alicia didn't seem to care, as she dragged him off toward the game.

I turned around. In my rush to get us here and out of the house, I hadn't noticed Carter's had really spruced up the joint. There was new felt on the pool table, and yes, a Whac-A-Mole game, and…"

"Oh, Maddie," Ling said, eyes wide. "Is that Just Dance?"

I am a sucker for Just Dance.

"Oh, my God." I grinned. "Ling, play with me."

"Hell no. Not in public."

"Oh, come on!"

"If you want to embarrass yourself, go right ahead. I'm fine right here."

Embarrass myself? As if. I rule at Just Dance.

"If you like, I'll – " Beilschmidt cleared his throat, but I didn't catch the rest because I was digging in my purse for quarters.

"That's fine," I said, pulling out three bucks in quarters, my emergency parking-meter money. "I'll just play against the computer. And kill it. Like I always do."

Just Dance:

Step 1- left foot back, right foot side

Step 2- right foot left, left foot slides right.

Step 3- ?

…I didn't kill it.

In my defense, the computer on Carter's game must be different from the computer on the home game, because it started doing some beyond-crazy steps. Did I accidentally hit the setting for cephalopod? However, I had a good time, and by the time I got off the machine I was laughing, and Ling, Michelle, and Feli cheered for me anyway when I finished.

But Beilschmidt? No, Beilschmidt had removed himself to the wall. The dark shadows that are his natural habitat. He was talking to Caterina. Ling walked by and she immediately shut up, so I know they were talking about me and my spectacular failure. So I looked at Beilschmidt, dead in the eye, just to let him know that I knew hew as talking about me.

And what did he do?

He started texting. Fake texting.

As well he should, the little snob. (Okay, the tall snob.)

I rejoined the table after that, and after laughing at my Just Dance prowess, I told Ling what I did to Beilschmidt.

"Uh, that's not what they were talking about," she said.

"Then what was it?" I asked.

"Well, they were talking about you, but not in the way you think."

"What way were they talking about me, then?" Could they have been discussing something worse than my dancing? Was my bra strap showing or did my skirt flip up?

Ling was about to answer, when the bartender, the aptly named Carter, came over to out table.

"Hey," he said, glowering. "You need to get you sister out of here, or I'm calling the cops. This is a public place."

Michelle and I whipped around, searching for Alicia. She was by the Whac-A-Mole game, all right, but what she was whacking wasn't a mole.

Her shirt was pretty much off, and her hand was down Toris-not-Feliks' pants. They seemed to have forgotten the existence of other people.

Michelle and I were on our feet, immediately sober.

"Hey Alicia, we have to go home now," I said, and then turned to her partner in crime. "Sorry, Toris." Who, for his part, at least seemed sheepish about his state, and the encroaching reality that yes, he was on second base in a crowded bar against a Whac-A-Mole machine.

"No," she whined.

"Alicia…" I tried, but she pushed me away.

"No!" she yelled, belligerent. "I wanna keep playing the game!"

"Well, you're out of quarters, honey," Michelle said in her nicest voice. "There are more in the car."

Alicia blinked at Michelle. "Can Feliks come to the car, too?"

The noncommittal noise Michelle made was enough to have Alicia willingly go with her sisters. We said out good-byes to Feli and the others quickly and got Alicia into the car. I was the designated driver, and I even dropped Toris-not-Feliks off at his place on the way. Luckily, by that point, Alicia was asleep and could not protest the loss of her gaming partner.

This is what worries me most about Alicia. She isn't a thoughtless person. She can actually be really sweet. But she is careless. And mostly, she's careless about herself. She's home right now and asleep in my bed, thank God, but what if we hadn't been there to take care of her? What if she'd been out on her own, met up with Toris, and ended up getting arrested, like Carter threatened? Or ended up in Toris' car on the way home – only this time, Michelle and I weren't there?

Anything could have happened to her. Yes, women should be able to go out and have fun without fear of consequences the way men do – but that's not reality. There are a lot of unenlightened assholes out there. And my biggest fear is that Alicia is going to fall prey to one of them.

But right now, I'm tired, and Alicia seems to be in the non-thrashing part of her REM cycle, so I'm going to hold my baby sister and try to get some sleep.

Uploaded Thursday May 24, 2012

Episode 14: I Suck at Video Games

"Come on," Alicia needled Maddie. Her mascara was smudged down her face, hair rumpled.

"This is a little childish, you know," Maddie said, holding an ice pack to her forehead.

"Bite me."

"Considering it," Maddie snapped back. The two sisters glared at each other for a moment. "Sorry everyone if this doesn't make any sense, but it will by the end of the video.

"My name is Maddie Kirkland and I really, really suck at video games."

"And?" Alicia said, trying to suppress a smirk.

"And my sister Alicia is totally smart and beautiful," Maddie said dully.

"Yes!" Alicia whispered.

The camera cuts to Maddie alone without the lump on her head. "So Michelle has now been on five whole dates with Feli Vargas! If you count last night's dinner/evening's disaster a date. And assuming that a group of people running into another group of people which happens to include two singular people is dating…although by that analysis Michelle would also be dating Beilschmidt, and Feli's sister Caterina. And so would me and Ling. We'd all be dating each other, in fact, like one giant incestuous orgy of awkward and facepalming.

"So Michelle and Fell, five dates! They're practically married already. Why not just make it official? I mean, the way Michelle talks sometimes. It's not that I'm not being supportive. Feli is a great guy. I just don't want her to make a snap decision, especially if it's the wrong one. But she's my sister and I want her to be happy, I do, so, yay!? And even if she does marry Feli, like tomorrow, there's still another Kirkland with a longer track record of bad decision making."

A long low groan came from under the mess of blankets on Maddie's bed. "Great, you're up!" she said to it.

"Why is it so bright in here?" groaned the blankets.

Maddie pulled her rumpled, make-up smudged sister from beneath the nest of blankets onto the seat beside her.

"Ooooh, hey…" Alicia turned green from having to move, blinking stupidly at the camera.

"You sleep in my bed, you help with my videos." After last night, Maddie's sympathy for Alicia was very limited. Alicia sat with her eyes closed as Maddie inserted earphones into her ears.

"What are you doing?" Alicia grumbled.

"Nothing, just relax," Maddie said in her sweetest most innocent voice. She grabbed her iPhone and pressed play, with the volume at max. Alicia fell off her chair with a screech while Maddie laughed maniacally.

Maddie wore the head mirror and stethoscope, now with a brown pipe cleaner pinned to her hair to represent Feli's always wayward curl. "I'm-a having a great time tonight! I'll only remember all the great things about-a tonight like, you, and how stunning you are." Maddie!Feli turned to talk to an invisible person to his right.

Maddie!Michelle appeared alone with a flower pinned in her hair, "Why thank you , Feli. But really, I'm just stunning all the time, it comes so naturally."

Maddie!Feli reappeared, "I hope you-a don't mind that I invited Beilschmidt. Doesn't she look stunning, best friend?

To Maddie!Feli's left was an extremely pissed off newsie cap, bow tie-wearing Alicia!Ludwg. Complete with sunglasses. "I hate you," he said.

"Perhaps this-a evening would be more fun if we played-a some video games?" Maddie!Feli asked.

"That would be lovely," Maddie!Michelle said, appearing alone.

"What should we-a play?"

"Seriously? You are the worst," Alicia!Ludwig complained.

"Say-a, isn't that your youngest sister over that in the corner playing Whac-A-Mole?"

"Something was popping up and Alicia may have been swatting it around, but I guarantee that bar hasn't seen an actual game of Whac-A-Mole since at least the mid-90s," Maddie said.

Alicia rolled her eyes, "Feliks and I were just having a little fun. Is that so wrong?"

"If by Feliks, you mean Toris."

"Whatever. Your just mad no one would play Just Dance with you."

"I am way better at that game than everyone says I am," Maddie said defensively.

"Beilschmidt would've played with you."

"Beilschmidt can go play Whac-A-Mole in the corner by himself. I don't want or need his pity," Maddie rolled her eyes.

Alicia sniggered, "You may not want his pity but you got everyone's pity after that pathetic double left-footed rendition you did."

"Oh yeah? Wanna take me on?"

"You think you can beat me at a dance game?"

"Pretty sure I'm the only one here who thinks at all!"

"DOWNSTAIRS! NOW!"

"…Oww," Maddie pressed the ice pack to the lump on her forehead.

"Don't be a sore loser," Alicia said.

"I said ow because I'm in pain."

"Yeah, cause you're sore."

"That's not what – ugh, never mind."

"I'll take my prize now."

"Oh come one, that was a joke."

"Not to me it wasn't. New intro time!" Alicia held her hand out for a high-five, "Whuuuut?!"

Friday May 25, 2012

Private Diary Entry 16

I am in term paper/studying hell, and this is the time the Ling decides to annoy me about annoying things. Namely, Beilschmidt.

"I'm telling you he would have playing Just Dance with you."

"I'm only decent enough," I said. "Why would he play Just Dance with me?"

"I don't know. Maybe he doesn't think you're decent enough anymore."

"No, after my performance, one has to assume he thinks I'm worse."

Ling shot me her patented "you're-an-idiot" look. Which is awfully close to her normal face, but after years of study I can tell the difference.

"You didn't hear what he said to Caterina," Ling said. "I did. He was saying that you actually looked really pretty when you were dancing. Especially your eyes. That you have 'fine eyes.'"

"And by that he meant my eyes are just fine. Passable," I countered. "Again, decent enough."

Ling just rolled her eyes this time. "Or he was trying to give you a compliment on your unique eye colour. He might just be, oh, I don't know…shy?"

This wasn't the first time Ling had tried to convince me Beilschmidt is anything other than a boorish snob I know he is. Ever since that night at Carter's, she's been on a mission. More often than not these days, she's all about schoolwork. And Ling is normally very practical, but that practicality is starting to feel very…cynical.

Again, I think she isn't telling me something, and it's starting to itch at the back of my mind.

"Shy is unassuming. Meek," I replied, keeping on subject. "Beilschmidt is not meek. He makes his opinion very well known."

"Apparently not."

"Ling, stop it, okay?" I couldn't help it. "I can't joke with you right now about this stuff. I have four term papers due this week, my write-up on the videos for Dr. Maes' class, three exams to take, and then sixty essays to grade. Not to mention finals are in a few short weeks. I can't even think about what I'm going to do for a video this week, let alone play along with your wild Beilschmidt theories."

"Fine." Ling threw up her hands. "I'm sorry. I know this week isn't fun. It's not fun for me either."

"Yes, but you already turned in all your projects at least. All that extra editing-lab time. Kiss-ass."

She smirked back. "Fair enough. How can I help?"

"Do you have a time-turner?"

"If I did, I wouldn't give it to you. It'd be my secret." Ling said. "But seriously, what if I do a video this week? I can take that off your shoulders at least."

I couldn't help but feel relieved. "Would you? That would be so great. But I know you don't like being the main one on camera."

"I can handle it once." She shrugged. "Besides, I'll get Michelle to help me."

"What will you talk about?"

"Something with narrative cohesion, at least," she said, taking a swipe at my last video. "Probably Feli. Or something similar."

Ling smiled at me, and I smiled back, grateful. I don't know what I'd do without my bestie. She always has my back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, reviews are welcome!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ling talks about the future.

Chapter 8 May 26-June 1

Saturday May 26, 2012  
A Twitter exchange between Maddie Kirkland, Ling Wang, and Alicia Kirkland

Alicia Kirkland  
@starspangledalicia

Hollah! – Holiday weekend! Who's doing whaaaaat?

11:21am – May 26, 2012  
1 comment, 5 likes

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

I'm at the library, studying…ugh. RT " @starspangledalicia: Hollah! – Holiday weekend! Who's doing whaaaaat?"

1:02pm – May 26, 2012  
2 comments, 1 retweet, 17 likes

Alicia Kirkland  
@starspangledalicia

NEERD! RT " @glowinghearts: I'm at the library, studying…ugh."

1:23pm – May 26, 2012  
1 retweet, 4 likes

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@glowinghearts How long are you going to be there?

1:36pm – May 26, 2012  
1 comment

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

@thelingway FOREVER! Where are you?

1:55pm – May 26, 2012  
1 comment, 5 likes

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@glowinghearts I'm at the editing bays. Shocked right?! – Still okay with me shooting a video for Monday?

1:36pm – May 26, 2012  
1 comment

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

@thelingway Yes – and have I said thank you for doing this yet? Because THANK YOU! Have you decided what it's on yet?

2:21pm – May 26, 2012  
1 comment, 5 likes

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@glowinghearts Never you mind, I'll handle it. Trust me.

2:45pm – May 26, 2012  
4 likes

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

@thelingway Seriously, what are you thinking?

2:48pm – May 26, 2012  
2 retweets, 5 likes

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@glowinghearts Stop tweeting and go study.

2:51pm – May 26, 2012  
1 retweet, 3 likes

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

@thelingway NO! – TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!

2:55pm – May 26, 2012  
1 retweet, 3 likes

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@glowinghearts …you know that everyone who follow both of us can see this entire conversation.

2:51pm – May 26, 2012  
4 comments, 1 retweet, 4 likes

Alicia Kirkland  
@starspangledalicia

@glowinghearts @thelingway DRAAAAAAMMAAAH!

2:59PM – May 26, 2012  
1 retweet, 1 like

Tim Maes  
@timislit

@thelingway @glowinghearts It's true.

2:58pm – May 26, 2012

Lux Maes  
@handsinmypocket

@glowinghearts @thelingway btw its hilarious ^_^

3:02pm – May 26, 2012

Antonio Ferna…  
@ndezcarriedo

@thelingway @glowinghearts I am loving this conversation and just as intrigued as Maddie as to the next video you are conjuring up!

3:15pm –May 26, 2012

Maddie Kirkland  
@glowinghearts

@thelingway This isn't over. I'm texting you later.

3:20pm – May 26, 2012  
1 like

 

Sunday May 27, 2012  
A Twitter exchange between Caterina Vargas and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt you want to meet over a Carter's again?

11:01pm – May 27, 2012  
1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt you never know who might run into there

11:08pm – May 27, 2012  
1 retweet, 3 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt you're no fun anymore –I mean even less than usual. This town must be getting to you.

11:13pm – May 27, 2012  
1 retweet, 2 likes

 

Uploaded May 28, 2012  
Episode 15: Maddie Kirkland is in Denial

"Hi. So, I have a special presentation for all you lovely peop - ," Michelle started.

"…Are you sure we should be doing this?" She said to someone off screen.

"Yes, it's okay," came Ling's voice.

"I mean, won't she be mad?

"No, it'll be fine."

"I just – I don't – I don't feel right about this."

"Okay, forget it. Just wait." Ling caved, resigned to the fact that she would have to appear on camera today.

"Okay."

Ling appeared beside Michelle, "We feel that Maddie isn't being particularly …comprehensive with her commentary regarding recent events."

"Well, it is her video blog," said Michelle.

"But didn't you think her last video was a bit inaccurate?"

Michelle shrugged, "Maddie sees what Maddie sees."

"Which is why Michelle and I are here, to reveal the truth to all you lovely viewers, preferably through conflict, as only Maddie's videos can provide."

"Well, I'm not Maddie" Michelle said hastily.

"But this is about Maddie, and this is what Maddie refuses to believed happened at Carter's bar.

"My name is Ling Wang and… Michelle?" Michelle had been staring at a point in space, worrying her bottom lip, but she snapped back when Ling said her name.

"Oh. Hi, I'm Michelle."

"And Maddie Kirkland is in denial."

"So we're good right?" Ling said to Michelle.

"Yes. We are good. We're doing this for Maddie," Michelle said with a firm nod.

"Great." Ling handed Michelle her script for Costume Theatre.

"Oh, doesn't Maddie just improvise these?"

"You want to improvise?" Michelle looked at the camera, panic-striken, and accepted her script.

"I don't-a understand the purpose of playing video games. How can-a any self-respecting adult waste their time in such-a child nonsense?" Ling said, wearing fancy sunglasses and a brown pipe cleaner pinned to her bangs.

Michelle was wearing a newsie cap and bow tie. "Vell, Caterina, I vill admit it isn't particularly my cup of tea," Michelle!Ludwig said in a deep voice.

"Was that good? Did I do it right?" Michelle asked eagerly.

"Don't break character. Be Ludwig," Ling whispered back.

"Oh, I don't know Ludwig that well."

Ling pushed forward with the Costume Theatre, "And zis-a pitiful little town is just depressing. I can't-a imagine you and my-a brother are enjoying it here."

"Vell, it's not actually zat terrible, but I suppose I can see vat you mean," Michelle!Ludwig said.

"And the people in-a zis town, enjoying Top 40 radio, laughter, and non-organic produce? So uncivilized!"

"I disagree with you zere," Michelle!Ludwig said sternly.

"Oh, do you know? Pray tell-a, what is it zat-a makes you think well of any of these cretins?"

"I've been zinking about zee pleasure of a pair of fine eyes in zee face of a pretty voman can bestow." Michelle!Ludwig stared dramatically off at something in the distance.

"And then, he stared directly at Maddie," Ling said.

"Yes, he did seem really fixated on her. Did he really say that?" Michelle said.

"…No. We're dramatizing."

"Aren't we all about the truth?"

"The point is, Caterina was seething."

"She did seem really on edge, but Maddie won't believe us because she's convinced Ludwig is an absolutely horrid person," Michelle said.

"That guy really needs to work on his game."

Back in costume, Ling!Caterina said to Michelle!Ludwig, "Oh look, your-a little crush is coming this way."

Michelle!Ludwig immediately turned his back and pulled out his phone.

"Are you fake texting?"

"It's super important," Michelle!Ludwig shot back over his shoulder.

"Anyways, that was the end of it. All we saw, at least," Ling said.

"We got a little…distracted after that. There were some things we needed to take care of," Michelle said evasively.

"What she means is that we had to drag a drunk Alicia away, before she ended up in jail," Ling laughed.

"Ling, can you please not refer to my baby sister as a drunk?"

"…But it's kinda the truth"

"Dramatized!" Michelle said fiercely. There was an awkward pause. "Okay, is that it?" she asked in a softer tone.

"Yes, that's it. Go ahead and close us out!" Ling said,

Michelle stared desperately at the audience for a moment, as Ling retreated back behind the camera. She then said in a rush, "Maddie, I'm really, really sorry Ling made me do this and she came in and she was bugging me and I – "

"Hey, you narc!"

 

Wednesday May 30, 2012  
A Twitter conversation between Feliciano Vargas and Caterina Vargas

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup hey, when you're finished, how about we go into town for a drink?

11:00pm – May 30, 2012  
2 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta I'm down, but you'll need my help dragging @bschmidt out of the house

11:02pm – May 30, 2012  
2 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup actually…it was his idea!

11:03pm – May 30, 2012  
1 retweet, 3 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta that's the scariest thing I've ever heard.

11:03pm – May 30, 2012  
1 retweet, 6 likes

 

Uploaded Thursday May 31, 2012  
Episode 16: Happiness in the Pursuit of Life

"Well I'm back, and I'm not going anywhere ever again!" Maddie started out. "You know that annoying feeling when you're swamped for a week, and you best friend cons your older sister into hijacking your video blog? Okay, you probably can't relate to that."

"But you know what? I'm not mad at Ling, good for her. Way to take initiative! But Ling, please don't do that again. And do not do any of your cute annotations on this video. Like your devil drawings, or your voice over commentaries, or funny moustaches. Or any other ideas in that brilliant mind of yours. Don't do it!" Maddie pointed threateningly at the camera, "Nuh-uh!"

Maddie looked around nervously, as if she could practically see the edits Ling would put in coming for her in real life.

"…Okay, now that everything is back to normal, let's just go back to the video blog. Because after all,

"My name is Maddie Kirkland and this is – " Ling cut to the intro before Maddie could finish her sentence.

"So as you saw in my previous hijacked video, Michelle and Ling (but really Ling) went a bit creative with their interpretation of last week's events. Oh Ling, always "dramatizing." But of course, totally untrue. Like completely, utterly impossible. I mean come on."

Maddie donned the newsie cap and clip-on bow tie, "I've been zinking about zee pleasure a pair of fine eyes in zee face of a pretty voman can bestow…"

She stuck out her tongue and pretended to gag.

"Who says that?! But I do love Ling. Someday she'll be a great and talented film making person of some sort, fulfilling all her dreams! And then there will be these crowds of admirers, and I'll go, "Make way! Make way for the best friend!"" Maddie laughed. "That'd be me, this girl!"

"So a lot of you are probably wondering, hey where is Ling! Well fortunately she's not here…No wait! I didn't mean it like that. I just meant it would be weird if she was standing there by the camera while I was talking about her like this. Awkward. But my dear Ling is on her way over here, because we are about to go out to lunch. So she should be here any moment."

Maddie sat waiting for several minutes, looking at her bedroom door expectantly. "…That's weird, she's usually unnervingly punctual."

And then a knock came from her door.

"Finally!" Maddie got up and opened her door, revealing Ling.

"Hi," Ling said.

"Hi!" Maddie said.

Ling looked past Maddie to the camera, "Are you shooting without me?"

"Don't worry, only nice things, come say hi."

"But I'm starving," Ling said, exasperated.

"It'll only take a second." Reluctantly, Ling sat and waved at the audience.

"So what are you talking about today?" She asked.

"You actually," Maddie replied.

"You're talking about me?"

"Your life and future success and happiness."

"Ah, your imaginary fantasy land," Ling rolled her eyes.

"I do know what's going to happen. You're going to be famous and successful, and most of all – happy," Maddie insisted.

"That's very sweet, but not you don't," Ling said.

"I know you and I know how your mind works. I know how hard you work. Your brain, plus your skill, plus your attitude, plus your annoyingly perfect skin, equals 100% success!" Maddie said confidently.

"I hate to burst your bubble Maddie, but success is mostly luck. Luck, hard work and more luck. I've seen it."

"When did you become such a Debbie Downer?" Maddie said as Ling pulled a granola bar from her bag and bit into it.

"It's just that, no matter how prepared you are and no matter what sort of person you are, you can't predict happiness," Ling took another bite, "too many variables."

"Well…how…robotic of you."

"By robotic do you mean practical?"

"…Cynical?" said Maddie.

"Hungry?" said Ling, taking another bite of granola. "Can we please go to lunch now?"

"Yeah…uh, just let me wrap up. I'll meet you downstairs."

With that, Ling left Maddie's room.

Maddie turned back to the camera, "Okay I love you Ling, but that is ridiculous."

Ling edited a beard and moustache onto Maddie and wrote 'love you 2 – Ling :)' on screen.

 

Friday June 1, 2012  
A Twitter exchange between Ling Wang and Madeline Kirkland's fans

Carlos Machado  
@sunshineicecream

@thelingway Are you okay? You were late, very hungry, and looked like you were about to cry in today's vid. Everything alright?

8:13pm – May 31, 2012  
1 comment

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

@sunshineicecream It was just hunger. I'm fine.

12:22pm – Jun 1, 2012  
1 comment, 1 like

Carlos Machado  
@sunshineicecream

@thelingway that's good to hear. Well, not that you were hungry, but that you are okay.

6:11pm – Jun 1, 2012

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

Hungry, yet practical RT @luckotheisle: "why so serious in the video? Pls tell me you were just really hungry and not truly that pessimistic!"

5:35pm – May 31, 2012  
1 comment, 1 retweet, 1 like

Ling Way  
@thelingway

We ate it's just, you know, hunger… @fangsandfortune : "@thelingway I really hope you felt better after you ate :( I'm worried"

12:42pm – Jun 1, 2012  
2 comments

Matthias Kohler  
@kingindanorf

@thelingway Indeed, also helps when you are working with something a lot of solo projects

12:39pm – Jun 1, 2012

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

Trying my best. @unusualfestivities: "@thelingway the economy sucks but plz don't put urself down. If you love film prod then do what you love."

12:21pm – Jun 1, 2012  
1 like

Gupta Hassan  
@guptah

@thelingway gosh, I know how that feels. "It's luck! Sheer dumb luck! A little bit of hard work for good measure!" #success

1:33pm – Jun 1, 2012

Emil Steilsson  
@emil

@thelingway I can definitely relate with you. All the thing you said are true #practicallypractical

5:36pm – May 31, 2012

Ravis Galante  
@drinkyouunder

@thelingway In the new video you seem like you need a hug. Hug?

1:22pm – May 31, 2012

Lux Maes  
@handsinmypocket

@thelingway @timislit Hope you feel better soon. If it's a guy that has you down…FORGET HIM…men come and go but friends always got yo back!

3:45pm – May 31, 2012

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

Exactly RT @timislit: "I think pragmatism is awesome too. I keeps your expectations realistic, and makes you work harder for what you want."

12:34pm – Jun 1, 2012  
2 comments, 1 like

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

Thankyou. Just like @glowinghearts speaking my mind. RT @imprettiestinpink: "loved you in the video today. Preach, girl. #TheMKD"

1:05pm- Jun 1, 2012

Berwald  
@oxenstierna

@thelingway Sorry if someone asked before, but what editing software do you use, and which camera does Maddie use?

9:12am – Jun 1, 2012

Ling Wang  
@thelingway

I use FCP and the camera is T2i, we share. RT @oxenstierna: "what editing software do u use, & which camera does Maddie use"

1:31pm- Jun 1, 2012  
1 comment, 1 like

 

Friday June 1, 2012  
Private Diary Entry 17

There is something in the air around town today. The hyped-up heartbeat of anticipation. The bitter taste of adrenaline filling your mouth. The faint but distinctive smell of chlorine.

The…abdominal muscles on display.

"Woo-hoo! It's Swim Week!" Alicia screamed as she climbed into my car.

Oh, no. Not now. Not this.

Our sleepy little central California town is noted for two things: its Brady Bunch-era suburban architecture and the fact that sometime in the seventies, an Olympic swimmer was from here. Not a famous one or anything – I think he might have come fourth (just shy of a medal!) in the 200-meter breaststroke. But he (or she? I can't remember) dedicated all his post-Olympic money to building a stat-of-the-art swimming program and facility right here in town.

It was a huge economic disaster, but it did leave us with a honking big pool The builders also got some state funding for it – which is why for one week, once a year, our hamlet gets invaded by collegiate swim teams from all across the stat for the Speedo-and-shaved-chest bacchanalia/competition known as Swim Week.

"Aren't you excited? It's going to be awesome! All those hot guys…" Alicia looked over the top of her sunglasses at me.

"Not really. I have a lot of work to do before the end of the semester."

"You know, I've found that my schoolwork gets a lot easier if I party a little bit beforehand. A little beer makes my papers way better." She nodded at me, all innocence.

"I haven't found that to be the case."

"Ugh, we need to get you out of the house. You are in danger of becoming criminally boring. You, me, Carter's, every ranked freestyle swimmer in the state…"

"Yeah, well, I don't think you're going to Carter's anytime soon."

Seriously. The last Carter's incident was two weeks ago. I still haven't emotionally recovered. But Alicia is a bouncing ball of energy, ready to go, go, GO!

"You can't stop me."

"No, but your car privileges are still suspended." Hence my picking her up from school today. "And I certainly don't have to drive you."

"And whose fault is that?" Alicia pouted.

I could barely contain my sarcasm. "Yours."

Contrary to what Alicia likes to believe, neither Michelle nor I mentioned to our mother what happened at Carter's last time. But this is a small town. Word got around. And for once, my mother showed some sense and tried to rein Alicia in by taking the car away from her.

All it really means is that now Michelle, Mom, or I chauffeur Alicia everywhere, but hey – Mom made an effort!

"You all think I'm still a little kid." Alicia shook her head. "Well, I'm not. And you and I are going to go out and try to catch some man-meat at Carter's during Swim Week. You'll see."

"Uh-huh. You keep telling yourself that."

I can tell you one thing. Between my workload and my post-traumatic stress from last time, the one place I most definitely will NOT be going is Carter's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up with all those twitter handles took way longer than I thought it would. I tried to make them clever but I'm not sure I succeeded. orz


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a challenger appears.

Chapter 9 June 2-June 8

Sunday June 3, 2012: A Twitter conversation between Caterina Vargas and Ludwig Beilschmidt

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt they are kinda cute together, aren't they?

11:24pm – Jun 3, 2012  
3 likes

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup I suppose so.

11:26pm – Jun 3, 2012  
2 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt it's nice to see @felilovespasta happy

11:28pm- Jun 3, 2012  
2 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@bschmidt but we should make sure he's not slacking of. have you seen that stack of books on his desk?

11:29pm- Jun 3, 2012  
1 like

Ludwig Beilschmidt  
@bschmidt

@romanitup he does need to get back to work. As do I.

11:33pm – Jun 3, 2012  
2 likes

Uploaded Monday June 4, 2012  
Episode 17: Swimming with Scissors

"So once a year, our university hosts a national swimming tournament. And every year around this time, our town is covered in strong, young, attractive men. Covered. Like maple syrup on pancakes. Ants on a picnic. Alicia on a swimmer. Don't get me wrong, personally…I don't mind. You see a couple of burly bods walking down the street and you want to put on a little flirt action.

"Hey there," Maddie said in a tone that would've had Alicia and Ling cringing. "Subtle, sexy…ladylike. What I don't like is Alicia surrounded by hot, single men. Single men who are planning to leave town literally within the week!

"Cause when it comes to hot, muscular guys, Alicia's about as subtle as…Alicia. Seriously. Think about it.

 

"My name is Maddie Kirkland and this is the week she goes completely cra – "

Alicia sprinted into the room and put her arm around Maddie's neck. Holding scissors. Really close to her jugular. "Hey, sis! Whatcha doin'?"

 

"Um, ah, I – " Maddie kept her eyes fixed on those scissors, afraid for what Alicia was planning to do with them. Especially when they were so close to her face. Alicia finally removed her chokehold and took a seat next to Maddie.

"Wow, you are really starting to suck at this video blog thing. Take 5, sis! I got this."

"Uh, what are you – ?" Maddie said.

"Hey, Internet! My sister seems to be in one of her retarded phases." Alicia paused, frowning. "I can say retarded right?" Behind her, Maddie shook her head. "Is that insulting?" Maddie nodded.

"Whatever." Maddie rolled her eyes as Alicia laughed.

"Okay let's talk about Maddie's fashion sense." Alicia said, giving her sister a once over, "What is this, eww! My high school principal dressed better than that!"

"Uh, what are you actually doing here?" Maddie said.

Alicia held scissors to Maddie's face threateningly, "I think you know what you did."

Maddie leaned back, eyes fixed once more on those scissors, held a too close to her face for her comfort and stuttered out, "I – Uh, I'm – I'm really sorry. I –I'm actually just worried about – "

"JK! I was just messing with you!" Alicia begins to laugh, a little too hysterically in Maddie's opinion as she laughed nervously along.

"Okay, well then can I have the scissors?" Maddie pried them out of Alicia's hand before she can cause her any more physical or psychological harm.

"Oh great, Mom wanted you to do all the coupon cutting this week." Alicia then dumped an entire grocery bag full of coupons in Maddie's lap.

"Wow, they really need to make these digital."

"But you don't have to do them."

"Really? Cause you're going to cut them all?" Maddie asked hopefully.

"No…you can come to Carter's instead."

"How does that help with coupons?" Maddie said, confused.

"Oh my g – what is it with you and coupons?" Alicia said. "Reason number 15 as to why Maddie Kirkland is perpetually single!"

"But you –Is there actually a list?" Maddie spluttered.

"Oh my god, stop it with your nerdy lists and coupons already and come with me to Carter's! Let's get you some hot aqua man-cake action! Oh my god, SO HOT!" Alicia gushed just thinking about it. "I'll totally be your wing-woman!"

"Ohh…my gosh, I –I don't have anything to wear," Maddie said, scrambling for an excuse...any excuse.

"I'll get you something!" Alicia ran from the room. Maddie sighed, relieved of this brief respite from her sister.

"I know what you're thinking," she said to the audience. "Why is Maddie going out with her crazy little sister? Well, I'm going because if I weren't there the only people watching over Alicia would be 25 college guys with perfect abs. Recipe for…pregnancy. Oh, I'm sure it'll be amusing for about 30 seconds. Then it's 3 hours of complete and utter embarrassing misery. And unlike her, I still have to study! Write a research paper! Help out around the house! And, apparently, cut out coupons until the end of time." Maddie grabbed one of the coupons from the bag in her lap, "Canned greened beans in cranberry juice?! Who buys this? I guess that's why there's a coupon."

Maddie picked up the scissors and began cutting as Alicia re-entered the room.

"So I found something extra special for the occasion!" Alicia held up a very bright, very pink, striped bra in front of Maddie's chest, "What do you think of this?!"

"Wow…this is…so…" Repulsive.

"I know, super cute, right?" Alicia squealed.

Maddie stared at the camera hopelessly. This was going to be a long week.

Tuesday June 5, 2012

Private Diary Entry 18

We went to Carter's.

In my defense, it was really the best option. Alicia was gong to go, anyway –her car privileges got miraculously reinstated when she mentioned Swim Week to mom, who wouldn't mind an athlete aquatic son-in-law –and at least this way, I could keep and eye on her.

And it turned out to be not too bad. Heck, it might even have proved…interesting.

As you will note, we even got home at a reasonable hour (11pm! No chance of turning into a pumpkin!). The usual coterie of beer-slogging swim jocks were of course in attendance –and Alicia was in heaven. And to give her credit, she was nowhere near as crazy as last time and stayed far away from the Whac-A-Mole machine.

But wading through their drunken bro-ness might actually have been worth it, because –dare I say it? –there was possibly a diamond amidst the rough.

We had been at the bar for about half an hour (Carter the bartender had already spotted me, and we had a wordless conversation along the lines of 'You gonna keep an eye on your sister? Okay you have my permission to be here.') when the guy who had wedged his way by me to the bar and knocked my arm and caused me to spill my drink all over the bar stool I was just about to occupy.

"Hey!" came this heavily-accented voice to my right, "Not okay."

But my assailant had disappeared into the crowd. I turned to find myself staring up at this…perfect chin. Chiseled. A slight dimple. Looking up, this perfect chin was attached to a sculpted face, broad nose, violet eyes and silvery blonde locks. (Looking down, this perfect chin was attached to a gorgeous neck wrapped in a white scarf and amazing broad shoulders, and the flattest stomach I've seen in real life. And it was inches from me. But I digress.)

"I am sorry about that," he said. His accent sounded vaguely Eastern European.

"Why?" I asked. "It's not your fault."

"Still, on behalf of all guys in general…" He smiled at me. Oh, my God, that crooked smile. "Can I buy replacement?" He pointed to my nearly empty glass.

"Oh, you don't have to."

"Trust me, guys in general have lot to make up for." He nodded to the bartender, and, using some king of magic considering how crowded the place was, I had a new drink in hand in less than a minute.

"And your chair," he tsked, noticing the puddle of liquid occupying the indentation of my seat. "A moment please."

He leaned over, grabbed a handful of paper towels, and sponged the seat down. Then, after wiping away the majority of the liquid, he put his jacked down over the seat.

"Voila," he said with a flourish.

"Wow," I replied as he handed me into my chair. "You literally put your jacket over a puddle for me."

"I will let you in on secret." He leaned forward, whispering. "Most swimmer clothing is waterproof, yes?"

"Still, I don't think anyone has put clothing –waterproof or not –over puddles since Elizabethan times."

"Well, Elizabeth was a classic era," He grinned at me. "I take my social cues from those men who surrounded her."

I decided I definitely wanted to know this guy. "My name is Madeline. Everyone calls me Maddie." I held out my hand to shake. And he raised it to his lips. Yes, that actually happened.

"Ivan Braginsky. A pleasure to be meeting you, Maddie. May I join you –or is seat reserved for someone else?" With his accent, Maddie sounded more like 'Matvey'. It was kinda cute.

"Not reserved. I'm just here with my sister tonight."

I pointed to where Alicia was surrounded by a number of swimmers. She waved when she saw me, and seeing Ivan, gave me only a mildly embarrassing thumbs-up.

"I see family resemblance," Ivan replied, "Though I can tell you are more astute."

"Why, because I'm not surrounded by twenty guys?"

"No, because you are with me."

I laughed. "No, you don't think too highly of yourself."

"I am just thinking lowly of everyone else. Least when they are drunk and bump into beautiful girls, spilling drinks. Very rude, yes?"

I had to admit. Ivan Braginsky had game.

"So I take it you are among the competitors who are gracing this fair town for a week?" I asked.

He grimaced. "Oh no, do I look like college kid? I am capable of growing a full beard, you know. It takes three weeks, but still…"

I laughed –I couldn't help it. Self-depreciation is one of the more charming aspects of the incredibly handsome.

"No, I am conditioning coach –brought in when swimmers have issues with technique. In winter, I doing same with hockey." Ivan replied. Oh, man, he does hockey too? This guy just keeps getting better and better.

"So you're a teacher?"

"Kind of. Traveling, seasonal coach. Though I would love to stay in one place for little while, so if you are needing any help with butterfly or slap shots, let me know."

"Sadly no, I'm not taking any swimming or hockey classes this semester."

"A student!" He leaned into the table. "I knew you had academia look. What are you studying, Ангел?"

And maybe it had something to do with the fact that Michelle has been so gooey-eyed-happy with Feli lately, and that she, too, sees no reason that I should be 'perpetually single,' as Alicia likes to call it, but I found myself enjoying my conversation with Ivan Braginsky. There was no pressure. And no reason not to enjoy it.

We talked about my studies for a little while, and I told him all about my video project. My hopes for post-school life. He told me all about being a coach, shaping young athletes –and, while on his first visit San Francisco from Russia, that time he saw a walrus on a boat tour around Alcatraz Island.

"But the walrus did not seem to notice he has out of place," he said.

"Oh really?"

"Well, he had spent whole life behind bars already."

I snorted into my drink. But totally in a classy way. "That has to be perhaps the worst joke I have ever heard."

"Don't worry, I can think up much worse."

"Oh, no –don't strain yourself."

"Well, give my your number," he leaned forward and played with a bit of my hair, "in case I am thinking of a worse one later."

Really, how can anyone refuse the promise of future bad jokes?

After the exchange of numbers, it was pretty much time to go home. (I. Have. Classes.) Alicia was extracted from the bar with minimal whining, and Ivan walked us to our car.

"Are you sure you are okay to drive?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied. My sole drink had been finished off over an hour before –which shows you how long Ivan and I had been talking. "But thanks."

"Then –delighted to meet you, Maddie Kirkland."

I'm pretty sure at this point I was rendered speechless by his charm.

"And it was awesome to meet you Ivan B!" Alicia called after his retreating form, only a little tipsy. "Wow. A hottie and he didn't hit on me tonight but kept his eyes on you. Maddie Kirkland, you may have broken your perpetually single streak." She gasped and squealed, grabbing my arm in glee. "Can I be the one to tell Mom that the artificially inseminated Option C is off the table?"

P.S. I had put my diary away and was climbing into bed when my phone lit up with a new text.

Just wanted to make sure you and your sister got home okay. –IB

I couldn't help grinning as I typed back:

We did. Thank you for the escort to the car.

Two seconds later, my phone flashed again:

Anything for you, Ангел.

I looked up the word. Apparently it means angel. My heart picked up to double time. Anticipation made my toes wiggle.

Well played, Ivan Braginsky, well played.

Wednesday June 6, 2012

A Twitter conversation between Caterina Vargas and Feliciano Vargas

Caterian Vargas  
@romanitup

Oh, Internet! you won't believe what I'm watching right now.

10:48pm –Jun 6, 2012  
2 retweets, 6 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

somehow @felilovespasta has convinced @bschmidt to play a video game with him

10:49pm –Jun 6, 2012  
2 retweets, 6 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

he's trying SO hard. it's adorable

10:50pm –Jun 6, 2012  
1 comment, 3 retweets, 11 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

unfortunately, @bschmidt has threatened me with some unnamed retribution if I post photos online

10:51pm –Jun 6, 2012  
1 comment, 1 retweet, 5 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

I think he's bluffing.

10:52pm –Jun 6, 2012  
1 comment, 2 likes

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

But I'll be nice. No photos…today. In the future, who knows? :)

10:55pm –Jun 6, 2012  
1 comment, 3 likes

Feli Vargas  
@felilovespasta

@romanitup evil ;)

10:56pm –Jun 6, 2012  
1 like

Caterina Vargas  
@romanitup

@felilovespasta who, me?

10:56pm –Jun 6, 2012  
1 like

Uploaded Thursday June 7, 2012

Episode 18: 25 Douchebags and a Gentleman

"First of all, I would like to say that I love my sister Michelle. Breaking news, I know!" Maddie said. "But ever since she and Feli have been spending more time together, I'm getting this…vibe off of her. Not a bad vibe, but rather a 'I'm-so-happy-to-be-with-someone-and-I-wish-you-were-too' vibe. She's not as bad as mom, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it gets…wearing.

"And maybe a part of the reason I went out with Alicia the other night –small part, minuscule –was not unrelated to that. But Carter's during swim week? Let's just say my expectations weren't high.

 

"My name is Maddie Kirkland, and last night was…surprising."

 

"So yeah, I went to Carter's with my sister Alicia. And no, I was not wearing that top. And it's swim week, so the swim team's in town! Which team you might ask? ALL OF THEM! So, the bar was full of swimmers, all with very nice drinking habits."

The door behind Maddie opened, Michelle stuck her head in, "Maddie? Why is Alicia passed out in the living room?"

"She's not," Maddie said defensively.

"Ummm –" Michelle left the room, presumably to check on Alicia again.

"She's not passed out. I take my sisterly duties very seriously," Maddie told the audience. This was a lie.

Michelle returned, "No, she seems pretty passed out."

"Sugar crash," Maddie said, "I made her switch to energy drinks. She was bouncing off the walls. Not pretty."

"You took her to Carter's?" Michelle asked as she came in and took a seat.

"Not took, more like chaperoned. You know how Alicia is."

"That's so sweet of you, did you guys have a good time?"

"Uh, clearly you've never been to a bar during swim week. It was saintly of me, and fun is not exactly the world I would choose."

"I thought you liked swimmers."

Maddie scoffed, "Allow me to demonstrate a typical interaction of the evening." She rooted around her closet for a moment, before pulling out a pair of swim goggles and retrieved a red solo cup.

Putting on the goggles she imitated the usual Carter's Swim Week attendee, "How old are you?" Maddie slurred staring at Michelle's boobs.

"Maddie that's not proper," Michelle blushed.

"I don't care. Do you wanna drink?" Maddie!Swimmer said.

"Um, sure?" Michelle said.

"Cool, get me one too."

"Oh, okay. What do you want?" Maddie gave her an 'are you serious' look. Michelle was far too kind for this. Maddie pretended to dump her drink all over Michelle's front.

"Aw, my bad, babe. Lemme get that for you." She patted down Michelle's chest.

"Maddie can we please stop?" Michelle said, uncomfortable.

"Is coming off like an ass an elective offered in our schools, because if so, they are acing it," Maddie said, taking off the goggles.

"Maybe they were just trying to make conversation, I mean, you know how hard it is to meet people."

"Michelle," Maddie said, severly.

"Too nice?"

"Waaaay too nice. Look, I'm thrilled you've met an awesome someone, but that doesn't mean that my Mr. Right is going to fall out of the sky so we can double date! And he's certainly not going to fall off a barstool."

"Every relationship has to start somewhere," Michelle pointed out.

"I guess you did meet Feli because Mom was stalking him," Maddie said.

"Nooo, we met at the wedding."

"Regardless, I hope my next relationship doesn't start in the gutter."

"So every swimmer in that bar was a loser? Really?" Michelle asked skeptically.

"Well, there…there was one guy," Maddie said, trying hard to hide her smile.

Maddie put the goggles back on, this time adding a white scarf, while Michelle pulled on Maddie's plaid shirt. Michelle held a script Maddie had quickly put together.

"Oh, please do not sit zere. It looks like some of zese athletes do not mind being up to zere ankles in liquids," Maddie!Ivan said in a heavy Russian accent. Maddie pretended to put a coat over a puddle and Michelle's jaw dropped.

"Wow. He did that?" Maddie nodded and pointed to the script, urging Michelle to continue.

"You put your jacket over a beer puddle. I didn't know that happened except in period films," Michelle!Maddie said.

"Vell, it is making come back. Like, uh, mix tapes and tandem bicycles."

Michelle, however, was reading ahead in the script, "Aw, he seems really nice! He asked you what you're studying and he makes a joke about a walrus! Aw!"

"Well, now you've spoiled to punchline." And now there's no reason to continue Costume Theatre.

"And what was his name?" Michelle asked.

"Ivan Braginsky. I think he's one of the coaches. But don't get too excited, I'm still not sure he makes up for all the others who were staring at my chest all night."

"But you like him," Michelle said, knowing where this was headed.

"Not the point."

"It's not?"

"I'm not saying he's the guy for me! I'm not saying I'm ever going to see him again. I'm just saying he's a gentleman, a rare, rare…" Maddie broke off, smiling. "Okay fine, Ivan Braginsky is programmed into my phone and he's already texted me today, happy?"

"Yaaaaaay! Are you going to see him again?"

"Well, finals are coming up, but, hopefully later in the summer. But regardless, all this goes to show that gentlemen are an endangered species and if we aren't careful, they'll go the way of mix tapes and tandem bicycles."

"But those are making a comeback," Michelle smiled smugly.

"Not the point! The point is that there is no excuse for a guy to be rude, arrogant or stuck up."

"Oh, that reminds me. Ludwig was walking by our house the other day. A little weird don't you think?" said Michelle.

"And there's no excuse for him," Maddie continued, "Ivan proves it."

Michelle asked one last, armour-piercing question, "Is Ivan cute?"

"Smoking hot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being away for a few weeks, life got in the way, as it does.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crossover of sorts between APH and the Lizzie Bennet Diaries…which in of itself is a modern adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. All of this story is ripped word-for-word from Bernie Su and Kate Rorick's The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet and any associated YouTube videos or twitter posts created by them…all I did was switch names and add a few sentences here and there to make the story centred around the characters from Hetalia (which also don't belong to me, btw!) Enjoy!
> 
> Be warned: the characters are probably totally OOC 
> 
> Maddie Kirkland = nyo!Canada
> 
> Ling Wang = nyo!Hong Kong
> 
> Michelle Bonnefoy = Seychelles
> 
> Alicia Kirkland = nyo!America
> 
> Caterina Vargas = nyo!Romano
> 
> Dr. Bella Maes = Belgium


End file.
